Peter

My heart is broken right now.  I just found out that a dear friend of ours committed suicide on Monday.  How can that possibly be real?  Peter Faber was one of the most happy, fun loving, selfless and generous people that I knew.  How can someone so amazing ever find himself so low that he feels like death is the only option?  Death has never really hit me hard or affected me deep to my core.  But then again, the only death that I have ever known has been natural.  Death happens, and when it does there is so much good waiting for you on the other side, so why be sad?  But this kind of death shouldn't happen.  Peter's death shouldn't happen.  His death is hitting me very hard and the tears just keep flowing. 


Peter has...had...a wife and daughter.  Libby is only one and a half years old.  She will never grow up to know what an amazing man her father was.  She's not going to understand why Daddy just isn't around anymore.  And Cheryl.  Poor Cheryl.  She has to live every day knowing that the love of her life is gone.  He's just gone.  Out of nowhere.  I can't imagine the pain she is going through right now.  Peter what did you do?


Another part of the heartbreak for me is regret.  I should have been a better friend.  I knew that he had been struggling with depression ever since Libby was born.  I knew that the last few times that I saw him he just wasn't the same happy guy that I knew.  Seeing that, we should have made a better effort to spend time with them.  Peter, I am so sorry I wasn't as good of a friend to you that you always were to us.  It breaks my heart that you will no longer be in our lives and that Teben won't grow up knowing his Uncle Peter.   


He probably didn't know it but I always considered Peter to be one of my dearest friends.  I am so grateful for his friendship, even if I didn't get to hold on to it for very long.  The world lost someone amazing and it is truly a sadder place now that he's gone.  Peter, you are loved and you will forever be missed!

Our Perfect Moment

Tonight as I put Teben down to sleep, I had the most amazing moment that I want to be able to remember forever.

I sat in my rocking chair with Teben in my arms, giving him his bottle.  The lights were down, the diffuser was humming quietly while it gently dispersed the calming scent of lavender into the air, and Teben's eyes were slowly starting to get heavy.  Everything was perfectly set for sleep.  Everything pointed to it being another typical night of Teben falling asleep while finishing off his bottle.  But then, it just changed.  All of the sudden Teben was looking right into my eyes.  And I looked right back into his.  And then his adorable little dimpled pointer finger, which seems to be constantly pointed straight out lately for discovery, came up slowly and found it's way gently into my nostrils over and over again.  He likes to do that for some reason and I personally find it absolutely darling.  This continued on for a few minutes, him staring into my eyes and exploring my nose.  My heart was bursting with love for this beautiful curious little boy, and pretty soon I had to give him the biggest smile.

Once he saw me smile, that was it.  Drinking his bottle was a thing of the past and he let out a perfect little giggle.  And then another.  And another.  He was laughing so hard!  He got me giggling too so there we sat, staring at each other laughing when he should have been going to sleep and I should have been encouraging him to drift off to sleep.  But instead I encouraged the moment.  And I'm so glad I did.  Because I got to spend about 5 perfect minutes laughing with a perfect little boy in a perfect moment that was only for him and me.

I love my sweet little boy more than anything in the world.  He has my whole heart wrapped around his tiny, nostril probing little finger.

Did Teben go to sleep on time tonight?  No.  Did he have a hard time falling to sleep once he was put in his crib?  Yes.  Is he normally asleep before he even gets in his crib?  Yep.  Do I regret it even for a second?  Nope!

I cherish every night that I get to put that sweet boy to bed.  But especially, I cherish the moment I had with him tonight.

Tithing

I just wanted to take a moment to express how amazing paying tithing is.  It is such a blessing in our lives and I am so grateful.  Since Aaron and I got married over eight years ago, we have had such a large testimony of the blessings that can come from paying your tithing.  We have seen those blessings over and over again.

I have always been the one that made sure to pay our tithing after each paycheck.  We have a savings account linked to our checking that is specifically designated to tithing.  When we get paid, all I have to do is transfer that money into savings where it will sit until we can pay our tithing.  Since Teben was born over 5 months ago, I've really slacked in making sure that got done.  It's been so hard to find the time to get on the computer and pull the money for our tithing.  And when I say I've really slacked, I mean that it just didn't happen.  For our tithing settlement with the bishop at the end of the year, we of course wanted to make sure that we were full tithe payers.  Which meant that we had to get caught up...5 1/2 months caught up.  Ouch!  But, we were determined to get it done so we paid what we could and pulled the rest from our other, real, savings account.  It was pretty painful to take such a large chunk from our savings but we did what we needed to do to make sure that we could consider ourselves full tithe payers.

Within a matter of days of pulling all of that money and significantly lowering our savings account, the windows of heaven opened up and we received a huge blessing for which we are so grateful.  In the mail we received a reimbursement check from my OBGYN.  Turns out that we had overpaid on our contract from the pregnancy and delivery of Teben.  We were not expecting that check and against all odds, the amount that we received was almost exactly what we had just paid in tithing to get caught up.

Time and time again we have seen that if we will just do our part and pay our tithing, we will be taken care of.  I know without a doubt that the blessings that come from tithing are so much greater than anything we could ever receive from just the monetary increase.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for once again reminding me of that.  And for not pulling away from us when so often we fall short of where we should be.  

5 Months

Can it really be 5 months since my world was changed?  5 months ago yesterday I held my sweet baby boy for the first time.  Where did the time go?  I still remember looking down at his beautiful puffy squished face for the first time and it was absolutely amazing.  That day and that moment was the best moment of my life.  This beautiful boy is the best thing I've ever done.



Teben Bruce Boutilier...

As of today, Teben

• Can sit for small periods of time. 
• Can roll from tummy to back. 
• Can scoot and spin in a circle like nobody's business!  I'll put him down on his play mat for tummy time and I'll look at him shortly after and he's on his back and his head is where his feet used to be.  He's a magician!  Haha.  
• I'm pretty sure he's going to roll from back to tummy any day now.  He comes so close, it's just a matter of time.  
• When his binkie comes out he most of the time manages to put it back in for himself.  It's pretty cute to watch him try to do that!  
• We started him on solids this month.  Our pediatrician recommended it to help him sleep through the night.  It didn't seem to help any so we only do it occasionally, but he loves it!  He's quite the little eater!  
• He's also started this new thing in his crib where he scoots himself up until his head is rammed into the bars of his crib.  At which point he starts crying and I have to come put him back on the other end until he works himself back up and we do it all over again.  If it wasn't for that he'd be just about sleeping through the night.  

Speaking of which, we started sleep training this last week.  We always let him sleep with his binkie and unfortunately, we created a dependence on it to the point that if he woke up in the night and it wasn't  in his mouth, he would cry until it was.  We were getting up 6+ times in the night just to put in his binkie.  That got old really fast.  So...sleep training.  We decided that he wasn't allowed to sleep with his binkie anymore and if he woke up, we would let him cry it out for 10 minutes, go in and check on him, let him know we were still there, then walk out and let him cry it out for another 10 minutes.  That was the cycle until he would finally fall back to sleep.  The first night he woke up 3 times and each time it took about 50 minutes of that cycle until he would put himself back to sleep.  It was pretty sad listening to him cry since he's never been a crier.  But, it had to be done.  The next night, he still woke up 3 times but each time he put himself back to sleep within 15 minutes.  And last night, he put himself back to sleep within 5-7 minutes so I didn't even have to get out of bed!!!  Well, except to move his poor head away from the bars.  Sleep training went so fast and he is doing so well!  I'm so proud of my boy.  The only down side to this whole thing is that he lost his voice.  That first night was pretty rough on him and now anytime he talks or cries he just sounds so silly.  Poor boy!

Anyway, it's been a pretty great month for our boy.  I'm so proud of who he is and the accomplishments he makes.  He's got my whole heart wrapped around his tiny little finger.  I love that boy so much!!!
 

Trust

This morning I was holding my beautiful baby boy and reveling in the way his little body curls up so perfectly on my chest.  I looked down at him and thought about the absolute perfect trust he has in me.  There is no doubt in his mind or mine that he is safe in my arms. All I could feel was completely blessed for his trust in me.  And in the same moment I felt completely blessed for the trust that my Heavenly Father has in me to raise this beautiful baby.  I feel somewhat overwhelmed and so grateful for that.  This baby boy is mine forever because of that trust.  What more could I ever possibly hope for?

Dear Teben

Dear Baby Teben,

What can I say? You've done it again. You continue to amaze and impress us every day.

Your daddy got to feel your hiccups for the first time yesterday. You don't get them very often so when you got them yesterday morning while I was still laying in bed I wanted to make sure your daddy got to feel them too. He came over and put his hand on my belly and pointed out each and every hiccup. And then he said, "Poor baby!". I couldn't understand why poor baby. I love it when you get the hiccups! But he said that hiccups hurt and he didn't want you to have them. He was so worried about you! He loves you so much already Teben. He tells me all the time how he is ready to have you in his arms. He's going to be such a good daddy to you! 

You're getting really big now. You're already about 17 inches long! And boy do I feel that sometimes. You move all day long. I love to put my hand on my belly and feel you move. And I love watching you move. My belly sure can dance thanks to you! Your favorite spot to hang out for your cute little bum and little legs is right under my ribs on the right side. I can almost always find your bum pushed right up against my ribs...and I love it! And then you stretch your little legs out and boy do you have pointy little heels. But you know what baby? I even love the pain of your pointy heels. Every kick to the ribs and every poke of your heels lets me feel you and know that you are healthy and growing. I love every second and every movement. I love you baby boy. I had no idea how much I could love you without even seeing you yet. But I do! You have become my world and I can't wait to show you how much you mean to me.

Are you sure you're not ready to come meet us yet? We wouldn't mind! Ok, I guess it's alright if you stay in there just a little longer. But July 19th can't come soon enough. We are ready for you baby boy!

Baby's size is?  Almost 17 inches and 3 1/2 pounds

Total weight gain?  20 pounds

Maternity clothes?  Oh yes...and I need more!
Stretch marks? No thank goodness.  But I'm getting more and more nervous with how big I'm getting.

Sleep?  Sleeping used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I couldn't wait to climb into bed every night.  Now I dread it.  My back hurts a lot and ribs are so painful.  My pillows don't even really help anymore.  Just two more months though.  I can do this!

Exercise?  I've been going to a prenatal yoga class for the last couple of months.  I thought it would be just stretching but no.  I come out of there sweating every time!

Miss Anything?  Just sleeping well.

Movement?  YES!!!  This baby boy not only moves but he dances.  It seems like he is constantly awake anymore and I love feeling and watching him move.

Food cravings?  I crave chocolate ice cream and Frosty's constantly.  I can't get enough.  Which is kind of weird because I've never really been an ice cream person.  Weird!  

Labor Signs?  Nothing beyond my continued contractions since my hospital stay.

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  

Best moment this week?  Having Aaron get to feel the hiccups.  I also had two baby showers this last week and they were amazing!  My friends and co-workers spoiled me!

Looking forward to?  Having this darn baby already.  I can't believe I still have two months.  I am so ready to meet him.

My pregnancy lately in pictures...

It seems that I've slacked in blogging about the pregnancy over the last couple of months. Hopefully I can pick it back up going forward. Until then...here's my pregnancy in pictures. 

Epiphany

While watching General Conference Sunday morning, I had an epiphany. The light bulb just switched on and I couldn't help but feel humbled and thankful, and honestly a little silly that I never saw it before.

I can't remember who it was that gave the talk but it was in the Sunday Morning Session. I think it may have been Elder Bednar but I'm not sure. The speaker focussed a lot on the scripture, Matthew 11:28-30.

 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

When Aaron and I were going through those painful years trying to get pregnant, I often turned to this scripture and ended up asking "Why?". My Savior told me in that scripture that if I come to Him with my sorrows and my burdens, that He will give me rest.

At least that's what I have always thought He was telling me. I continually turned to the Lord and asked Him to take the pain. To give me rest. Basically, I thought if I turned to my Lord and Savior, He would turn everything around, take away our infertility issues, and give us an end.

But that's not what the scripture is telling us. And this is my epiphany.

When He is telling us to come unto Him and He will give us rest, it doesn't just end there. He says to "Take my yoke upon you". Somehow my brain always skipped over that part. 

Listening to the speaker explain how two animals are yoked together, working together to pull their load really struck me. The Savior didn't promise to take away my burden, but to stand right beside me struggling, and fighting and pulling with me to get through it. I had to deal with a lot of anger over our infertility because I kept expecting it to just go away. That there would be an easy answer. And when I turned to prayer hoping that I would find that easy answer, I got angry. Why wouldn't He just take it away when He has the power to and He has promised children to both me and Aaron? 

It's because He doesn't work that way. He didn't promise to take it away and make it better. He promised to stand next to me and pull through the sludge and mud that is our trial. And even though I didn't understand it then, I now know that He was always right beside me. Yoked to me in my burden and laboring right along beside me. He pulled when I pulled. He fought forward when I fought forward. He cried when I cried. And He put a comforting arm around me and made my burden just a little lighter until that time when HE knew it was our time. 

I am so grateful for General Conference and the little reminders and epiphanies that it offers. And I am so grateful for my Savior for yoking himself to me. Not only in that past struggle, but in all moments that I need Him.

15, 16, & 17 Weeks

I can feel the baby!  I think I've actually been feeling it for about 2 weeks now but I just wasn't sure.  I felt it for the first time one morning while I was laying in bed...I think.  I felt such a tiny, faint little flutter in my belly.  And that was it.  And then I wondered, "Did I really just feel that?"  "Did I imagine that?"  And then there was nothing for days.  Then I felt that same little flutter a few days later.  But it was just so soft!  Was I just wanting to feel it so bad that I was tricking my mind into thinking I was feeling the baby kick?  I just didn't know.  And then it was about a week without feeling anything.  So at that point I knew it had to be in my head.

I had my 16 week appointment where my doctor told me that a lot of first time moms won't feel anything until around 20-22 weeks.  Are you kidding me???  I've clearly been expecting this for the last week or so so this was devastating to hear.  But, baby had different plans.  About 3 days ago baby started moving like crazy.  There's no question anymore.  I get so excited every time I feel it!  It's so much stronger than it was a couple weeks ago.  It is such a unique amazing feeling and I am loving every single little tap, kick, and wiggle.  I can't wait for Aaron to be able to feel it too.  

I swear, pregnancy is the weirdest thing.  When you get the positive pregnancy test you think you understand and grasp that it's real.  Then you get to the first ultrasound and see the heartbeat and you think it's finally sinking in.  Then you get to the next ultrasound and get to hear the heartbeat and see your baby starting to become a baby and you think, "Now it's real and I understand that I'm actually pregnant".  But then it's hard to grasp the concept that you've actually got a baby growing inside you again.  And now I can finally feel the baby moving inside of me and I feel like it's clicking.  There's a baby in there!!!  But I know that that will continue throughout the entire pregnancy.  With each milestone it will feel more and more real until finally, there will be a beautiful sweet little baby in my arms.  I can't wait for that moment when everything that Aaron and I have been working for for so long is finally a tangible reality of parenthood!

Dear Baby Boutilier,

My sweet, sweet baby...where do I start.  You have blown my mind over the last week.  I am so happy and constantly aware of you lately.  Every little kick, or wiggle, or twitch, or whatever it is that you're doing in there, I am completely in love.  I've been trying so hard to explain the feeling to your daddy but unless you're feeling it, I'm not sure you can ever really understand what a beautiful bonding moment it is to be able to feel you move inside me.  You're amazing!  You are so loved already and I can't wait to continue to bond with you and watch you grow from out here.  Keep growing strong my baby.  Only 5 more months until you're in our arms.  Your mommy and daddy are enjoying every moment of this journey and we can't wait to meet you!

Love, 

Your Mommy  

Baby is the size of a:  Sweet Potato

Total weight gain?  5 1/2 pounds

Maternity clothes?  No but that's not for lack of needing them.  My belly band will only work for so much longer.  I definitely need to go get some maternity slacks for work.
Stretch marks? Not yet!

Sleep?  Sleeping has started to get kind of rough for me.  My stomach with one leg kicked out has been my go to position but that has been killing my hips lately.  And laying on my side is killing my back.  Weird.  I didn't expect to have these troubles until I was much bigger and further along.  

Exercise?  No.  And I'm ashamed of that.

Miss Anything?  Not anything that I can think of right now.

Movement?  YES!!!  See above for details.

Food cravings?  Still no cravings.  

Labor Signs?  Nope!

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  Although I do occasionally snap at Aaron and then immediately feel so guilty.  I'm totally blaming the hormones for that.

Best moment this week?  Feeling the baby kick by far.  It was also a really good moment to be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time this last week.  And finally, one of the best moments I've had and continue to have is Aaron.  He loves watching my belly grow and is constantly complimenting me on it.  We have this thing that we do which is really dumb but anytime one of us says that the other is hot or looking good the other will say "no you're hot".  The other day that happened and Aaron said "No you're beautiful.  Especially with your pregnant belly."  Seriously, that melted me.  I love that he finds pregnancy sexy.  It makes me love him even more than I already do.

Looking forward to?  Finding out the sex of the baby.  2 1/2 weeks to go.  I can't wait to find out if our little nugget is a he or she!

Crybaby

Pregnancy hormones are weird.

You know how I thought I got away with having no pregnancy symptoms? Well, I forgot about one teeny, tiny, part. Hormones.

I cry, a lot. But it's not like I breakdown in a full out cry or anything. I just tear up quite frequently. And it's weird because logically I know that the things I'm crying about are just dumb, but it's like my tear ducts have a mind of their own these days.


"Oh you're just watching a commercial and someone is sad or depressed?" ...cry...

"Oh you're just reading a book about werewolves and some random stranger gets bit?" ...cry...

"Oh you're not doing anything in particular, just remembering how good your primary kids were in church today?" ...cry...

And this next one's my favorite.

"Oh you're just watching Ridiculousness and a clip comes on of a teenage boy who just came out of anesthesia and is on his way home when he waves to a passing car and the person in the car doesn't wave back and it hurts his feelings so bad that he starts to cry?" Oh ya, you guessed it. ...cry... I was laughing so hard at the clip and then I just got so sad that he was sad and I started crying. It was pathetic. I was still laughing and I was crying with tears running down my face at the same time, and I couldn't stop!  Uncontrollable.  I'm pretty sure Aaron thought I was losing my mind! Haha!


What is wrong with me?!? I sure hope other pregnant women go through the same exact thing. It would go a long way in re-affirming my sanity. For the time being anyway!