Peter

My heart is broken right now.  I just found out that a dear friend of ours committed suicide on Monday.  How can that possibly be real?  Peter Faber was one of the most happy, fun loving, selfless and generous people that I knew.  How can someone so amazing ever find himself so low that he feels like death is the only option?  Death has never really hit me hard or affected me deep to my core.  But then again, the only death that I have ever known has been natural.  Death happens, and when it does there is so much good waiting for you on the other side, so why be sad?  But this kind of death shouldn't happen.  Peter's death shouldn't happen.  His death is hitting me very hard and the tears just keep flowing. 


Peter has...had...a wife and daughter.  Libby is only one and a half years old.  She will never grow up to know what an amazing man her father was.  She's not going to understand why Daddy just isn't around anymore.  And Cheryl.  Poor Cheryl.  She has to live every day knowing that the love of her life is gone.  He's just gone.  Out of nowhere.  I can't imagine the pain she is going through right now.  Peter what did you do?


Another part of the heartbreak for me is regret.  I should have been a better friend.  I knew that he had been struggling with depression ever since Libby was born.  I knew that the last few times that I saw him he just wasn't the same happy guy that I knew.  Seeing that, we should have made a better effort to spend time with them.  Peter, I am so sorry I wasn't as good of a friend to you that you always were to us.  It breaks my heart that you will no longer be in our lives and that Teben won't grow up knowing his Uncle Peter.   


He probably didn't know it but I always considered Peter to be one of my dearest friends.  I am so grateful for his friendship, even if I didn't get to hold on to it for very long.  The world lost someone amazing and it is truly a sadder place now that he's gone.  Peter, you are loved and you will forever be missed!

Our Perfect Moment

Tonight as I put Teben down to sleep, I had the most amazing moment that I want to be able to remember forever.

I sat in my rocking chair with Teben in my arms, giving him his bottle.  The lights were down, the diffuser was humming quietly while it gently dispersed the calming scent of lavender into the air, and Teben's eyes were slowly starting to get heavy.  Everything was perfectly set for sleep.  Everything pointed to it being another typical night of Teben falling asleep while finishing off his bottle.  But then, it just changed.  All of the sudden Teben was looking right into my eyes.  And I looked right back into his.  And then his adorable little dimpled pointer finger, which seems to be constantly pointed straight out lately for discovery, came up slowly and found it's way gently into my nostrils over and over again.  He likes to do that for some reason and I personally find it absolutely darling.  This continued on for a few minutes, him staring into my eyes and exploring my nose.  My heart was bursting with love for this beautiful curious little boy, and pretty soon I had to give him the biggest smile.

Once he saw me smile, that was it.  Drinking his bottle was a thing of the past and he let out a perfect little giggle.  And then another.  And another.  He was laughing so hard!  He got me giggling too so there we sat, staring at each other laughing when he should have been going to sleep and I should have been encouraging him to drift off to sleep.  But instead I encouraged the moment.  And I'm so glad I did.  Because I got to spend about 5 perfect minutes laughing with a perfect little boy in a perfect moment that was only for him and me.

I love my sweet little boy more than anything in the world.  He has my whole heart wrapped around his tiny, nostril probing little finger.

Did Teben go to sleep on time tonight?  No.  Did he have a hard time falling to sleep once he was put in his crib?  Yes.  Is he normally asleep before he even gets in his crib?  Yep.  Do I regret it even for a second?  Nope!

I cherish every night that I get to put that sweet boy to bed.  But especially, I cherish the moment I had with him tonight.

Tithing

I just wanted to take a moment to express how amazing paying tithing is.  It is such a blessing in our lives and I am so grateful.  Since Aaron and I got married over eight years ago, we have had such a large testimony of the blessings that can come from paying your tithing.  We have seen those blessings over and over again.

I have always been the one that made sure to pay our tithing after each paycheck.  We have a savings account linked to our checking that is specifically designated to tithing.  When we get paid, all I have to do is transfer that money into savings where it will sit until we can pay our tithing.  Since Teben was born over 5 months ago, I've really slacked in making sure that got done.  It's been so hard to find the time to get on the computer and pull the money for our tithing.  And when I say I've really slacked, I mean that it just didn't happen.  For our tithing settlement with the bishop at the end of the year, we of course wanted to make sure that we were full tithe payers.  Which meant that we had to get caught up...5 1/2 months caught up.  Ouch!  But, we were determined to get it done so we paid what we could and pulled the rest from our other, real, savings account.  It was pretty painful to take such a large chunk from our savings but we did what we needed to do to make sure that we could consider ourselves full tithe payers.

Within a matter of days of pulling all of that money and significantly lowering our savings account, the windows of heaven opened up and we received a huge blessing for which we are so grateful.  In the mail we received a reimbursement check from my OBGYN.  Turns out that we had overpaid on our contract from the pregnancy and delivery of Teben.  We were not expecting that check and against all odds, the amount that we received was almost exactly what we had just paid in tithing to get caught up.

Time and time again we have seen that if we will just do our part and pay our tithing, we will be taken care of.  I know without a doubt that the blessings that come from tithing are so much greater than anything we could ever receive from just the monetary increase.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for once again reminding me of that.  And for not pulling away from us when so often we fall short of where we should be.  

5 Months

Can it really be 5 months since my world was changed?  5 months ago yesterday I held my sweet baby boy for the first time.  Where did the time go?  I still remember looking down at his beautiful puffy squished face for the first time and it was absolutely amazing.  That day and that moment was the best moment of my life.  This beautiful boy is the best thing I've ever done.



Teben Bruce Boutilier...

As of today, Teben

• Can sit for small periods of time. 
• Can roll from tummy to back. 
• Can scoot and spin in a circle like nobody's business!  I'll put him down on his play mat for tummy time and I'll look at him shortly after and he's on his back and his head is where his feet used to be.  He's a magician!  Haha.  
• I'm pretty sure he's going to roll from back to tummy any day now.  He comes so close, it's just a matter of time.  
• When his binkie comes out he most of the time manages to put it back in for himself.  It's pretty cute to watch him try to do that!  
• We started him on solids this month.  Our pediatrician recommended it to help him sleep through the night.  It didn't seem to help any so we only do it occasionally, but he loves it!  He's quite the little eater!  
• He's also started this new thing in his crib where he scoots himself up until his head is rammed into the bars of his crib.  At which point he starts crying and I have to come put him back on the other end until he works himself back up and we do it all over again.  If it wasn't for that he'd be just about sleeping through the night.  

Speaking of which, we started sleep training this last week.  We always let him sleep with his binkie and unfortunately, we created a dependence on it to the point that if he woke up in the night and it wasn't  in his mouth, he would cry until it was.  We were getting up 6+ times in the night just to put in his binkie.  That got old really fast.  So...sleep training.  We decided that he wasn't allowed to sleep with his binkie anymore and if he woke up, we would let him cry it out for 10 minutes, go in and check on him, let him know we were still there, then walk out and let him cry it out for another 10 minutes.  That was the cycle until he would finally fall back to sleep.  The first night he woke up 3 times and each time it took about 50 minutes of that cycle until he would put himself back to sleep.  It was pretty sad listening to him cry since he's never been a crier.  But, it had to be done.  The next night, he still woke up 3 times but each time he put himself back to sleep within 15 minutes.  And last night, he put himself back to sleep within 5-7 minutes so I didn't even have to get out of bed!!!  Well, except to move his poor head away from the bars.  Sleep training went so fast and he is doing so well!  I'm so proud of my boy.  The only down side to this whole thing is that he lost his voice.  That first night was pretty rough on him and now anytime he talks or cries he just sounds so silly.  Poor boy!

Anyway, it's been a pretty great month for our boy.  I'm so proud of who he is and the accomplishments he makes.  He's got my whole heart wrapped around his tiny little finger.  I love that boy so much!!!
 

Trust

This morning I was holding my beautiful baby boy and reveling in the way his little body curls up so perfectly on my chest.  I looked down at him and thought about the absolute perfect trust he has in me.  There is no doubt in his mind or mine that he is safe in my arms. All I could feel was completely blessed for his trust in me.  And in the same moment I felt completely blessed for the trust that my Heavenly Father has in me to raise this beautiful baby.  I feel somewhat overwhelmed and so grateful for that.  This baby boy is mine forever because of that trust.  What more could I ever possibly hope for?

Dear Teben

Dear Baby Teben,

What can I say? You've done it again. You continue to amaze and impress us every day.

Your daddy got to feel your hiccups for the first time yesterday. You don't get them very often so when you got them yesterday morning while I was still laying in bed I wanted to make sure your daddy got to feel them too. He came over and put his hand on my belly and pointed out each and every hiccup. And then he said, "Poor baby!". I couldn't understand why poor baby. I love it when you get the hiccups! But he said that hiccups hurt and he didn't want you to have them. He was so worried about you! He loves you so much already Teben. He tells me all the time how he is ready to have you in his arms. He's going to be such a good daddy to you! 

You're getting really big now. You're already about 17 inches long! And boy do I feel that sometimes. You move all day long. I love to put my hand on my belly and feel you move. And I love watching you move. My belly sure can dance thanks to you! Your favorite spot to hang out for your cute little bum and little legs is right under my ribs on the right side. I can almost always find your bum pushed right up against my ribs...and I love it! And then you stretch your little legs out and boy do you have pointy little heels. But you know what baby? I even love the pain of your pointy heels. Every kick to the ribs and every poke of your heels lets me feel you and know that you are healthy and growing. I love every second and every movement. I love you baby boy. I had no idea how much I could love you without even seeing you yet. But I do! You have become my world and I can't wait to show you how much you mean to me.

Are you sure you're not ready to come meet us yet? We wouldn't mind! Ok, I guess it's alright if you stay in there just a little longer. But July 19th can't come soon enough. We are ready for you baby boy!

Baby's size is?  Almost 17 inches and 3 1/2 pounds

Total weight gain?  20 pounds

Maternity clothes?  Oh yes...and I need more!
Stretch marks? No thank goodness.  But I'm getting more and more nervous with how big I'm getting.

Sleep?  Sleeping used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I couldn't wait to climb into bed every night.  Now I dread it.  My back hurts a lot and ribs are so painful.  My pillows don't even really help anymore.  Just two more months though.  I can do this!

Exercise?  I've been going to a prenatal yoga class for the last couple of months.  I thought it would be just stretching but no.  I come out of there sweating every time!

Miss Anything?  Just sleeping well.

Movement?  YES!!!  This baby boy not only moves but he dances.  It seems like he is constantly awake anymore and I love feeling and watching him move.

Food cravings?  I crave chocolate ice cream and Frosty's constantly.  I can't get enough.  Which is kind of weird because I've never really been an ice cream person.  Weird!  

Labor Signs?  Nothing beyond my continued contractions since my hospital stay.

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  

Best moment this week?  Having Aaron get to feel the hiccups.  I also had two baby showers this last week and they were amazing!  My friends and co-workers spoiled me!

Looking forward to?  Having this darn baby already.  I can't believe I still have two months.  I am so ready to meet him.

My pregnancy lately in pictures...

It seems that I've slacked in blogging about the pregnancy over the last couple of months. Hopefully I can pick it back up going forward. Until then...here's my pregnancy in pictures. 

Epiphany

While watching General Conference Sunday morning, I had an epiphany. The light bulb just switched on and I couldn't help but feel humbled and thankful, and honestly a little silly that I never saw it before.

I can't remember who it was that gave the talk but it was in the Sunday Morning Session. I think it may have been Elder Bednar but I'm not sure. The speaker focussed a lot on the scripture, Matthew 11:28-30.

 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

When Aaron and I were going through those painful years trying to get pregnant, I often turned to this scripture and ended up asking "Why?". My Savior told me in that scripture that if I come to Him with my sorrows and my burdens, that He will give me rest.

At least that's what I have always thought He was telling me. I continually turned to the Lord and asked Him to take the pain. To give me rest. Basically, I thought if I turned to my Lord and Savior, He would turn everything around, take away our infertility issues, and give us an end.

But that's not what the scripture is telling us. And this is my epiphany.

When He is telling us to come unto Him and He will give us rest, it doesn't just end there. He says to "Take my yoke upon you". Somehow my brain always skipped over that part. 

Listening to the speaker explain how two animals are yoked together, working together to pull their load really struck me. The Savior didn't promise to take away my burden, but to stand right beside me struggling, and fighting and pulling with me to get through it. I had to deal with a lot of anger over our infertility because I kept expecting it to just go away. That there would be an easy answer. And when I turned to prayer hoping that I would find that easy answer, I got angry. Why wouldn't He just take it away when He has the power to and He has promised children to both me and Aaron? 

It's because He doesn't work that way. He didn't promise to take it away and make it better. He promised to stand next to me and pull through the sludge and mud that is our trial. And even though I didn't understand it then, I now know that He was always right beside me. Yoked to me in my burden and laboring right along beside me. He pulled when I pulled. He fought forward when I fought forward. He cried when I cried. And He put a comforting arm around me and made my burden just a little lighter until that time when HE knew it was our time. 

I am so grateful for General Conference and the little reminders and epiphanies that it offers. And I am so grateful for my Savior for yoking himself to me. Not only in that past struggle, but in all moments that I need Him.

15, 16, & 17 Weeks

I can feel the baby!  I think I've actually been feeling it for about 2 weeks now but I just wasn't sure.  I felt it for the first time one morning while I was laying in bed...I think.  I felt such a tiny, faint little flutter in my belly.  And that was it.  And then I wondered, "Did I really just feel that?"  "Did I imagine that?"  And then there was nothing for days.  Then I felt that same little flutter a few days later.  But it was just so soft!  Was I just wanting to feel it so bad that I was tricking my mind into thinking I was feeling the baby kick?  I just didn't know.  And then it was about a week without feeling anything.  So at that point I knew it had to be in my head.

I had my 16 week appointment where my doctor told me that a lot of first time moms won't feel anything until around 20-22 weeks.  Are you kidding me???  I've clearly been expecting this for the last week or so so this was devastating to hear.  But, baby had different plans.  About 3 days ago baby started moving like crazy.  There's no question anymore.  I get so excited every time I feel it!  It's so much stronger than it was a couple weeks ago.  It is such a unique amazing feeling and I am loving every single little tap, kick, and wiggle.  I can't wait for Aaron to be able to feel it too.  

I swear, pregnancy is the weirdest thing.  When you get the positive pregnancy test you think you understand and grasp that it's real.  Then you get to the first ultrasound and see the heartbeat and you think it's finally sinking in.  Then you get to the next ultrasound and get to hear the heartbeat and see your baby starting to become a baby and you think, "Now it's real and I understand that I'm actually pregnant".  But then it's hard to grasp the concept that you've actually got a baby growing inside you again.  And now I can finally feel the baby moving inside of me and I feel like it's clicking.  There's a baby in there!!!  But I know that that will continue throughout the entire pregnancy.  With each milestone it will feel more and more real until finally, there will be a beautiful sweet little baby in my arms.  I can't wait for that moment when everything that Aaron and I have been working for for so long is finally a tangible reality of parenthood!

Dear Baby Boutilier,

My sweet, sweet baby...where do I start.  You have blown my mind over the last week.  I am so happy and constantly aware of you lately.  Every little kick, or wiggle, or twitch, or whatever it is that you're doing in there, I am completely in love.  I've been trying so hard to explain the feeling to your daddy but unless you're feeling it, I'm not sure you can ever really understand what a beautiful bonding moment it is to be able to feel you move inside me.  You're amazing!  You are so loved already and I can't wait to continue to bond with you and watch you grow from out here.  Keep growing strong my baby.  Only 5 more months until you're in our arms.  Your mommy and daddy are enjoying every moment of this journey and we can't wait to meet you!

Love, 

Your Mommy  

Baby is the size of a:  Sweet Potato

Total weight gain?  5 1/2 pounds

Maternity clothes?  No but that's not for lack of needing them.  My belly band will only work for so much longer.  I definitely need to go get some maternity slacks for work.
Stretch marks? Not yet!

Sleep?  Sleeping has started to get kind of rough for me.  My stomach with one leg kicked out has been my go to position but that has been killing my hips lately.  And laying on my side is killing my back.  Weird.  I didn't expect to have these troubles until I was much bigger and further along.  

Exercise?  No.  And I'm ashamed of that.

Miss Anything?  Not anything that I can think of right now.

Movement?  YES!!!  See above for details.

Food cravings?  Still no cravings.  

Labor Signs?  Nope!

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  Although I do occasionally snap at Aaron and then immediately feel so guilty.  I'm totally blaming the hormones for that.

Best moment this week?  Feeling the baby kick by far.  It was also a really good moment to be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time this last week.  And finally, one of the best moments I've had and continue to have is Aaron.  He loves watching my belly grow and is constantly complimenting me on it.  We have this thing that we do which is really dumb but anytime one of us says that the other is hot or looking good the other will say "no you're hot".  The other day that happened and Aaron said "No you're beautiful.  Especially with your pregnant belly."  Seriously, that melted me.  I love that he finds pregnancy sexy.  It makes me love him even more than I already do.

Looking forward to?  Finding out the sex of the baby.  2 1/2 weeks to go.  I can't wait to find out if our little nugget is a he or she!

Crybaby

Pregnancy hormones are weird.

You know how I thought I got away with having no pregnancy symptoms? Well, I forgot about one teeny, tiny, part. Hormones.

I cry, a lot. But it's not like I breakdown in a full out cry or anything. I just tear up quite frequently. And it's weird because logically I know that the things I'm crying about are just dumb, but it's like my tear ducts have a mind of their own these days.


"Oh you're just watching a commercial and someone is sad or depressed?" ...cry...

"Oh you're just reading a book about werewolves and some random stranger gets bit?" ...cry...

"Oh you're not doing anything in particular, just remembering how good your primary kids were in church today?" ...cry...

And this next one's my favorite.

"Oh you're just watching Ridiculousness and a clip comes on of a teenage boy who just came out of anesthesia and is on his way home when he waves to a passing car and the person in the car doesn't wave back and it hurts his feelings so bad that he starts to cry?" Oh ya, you guessed it. ...cry... I was laughing so hard at the clip and then I just got so sad that he was sad and I started crying. It was pathetic. I was still laughing and I was crying with tears running down my face at the same time, and I couldn't stop!  Uncontrollable.  I'm pretty sure Aaron thought I was losing my mind! Haha!


What is wrong with me?!? I sure hope other pregnant women go through the same exact thing. It would go a long way in re-affirming my sanity. For the time being anyway!

13 Weeks

Well, here we are at 13 weeks! (Yep, I missed 12!) And actually, I'm almost at the 15 week mark now! I'm going to have to start doing these on the actual day since I seem to be falling behind waiting until the end of the week. Anyway, here's my belly picture at 13 weeks. See you again at 15 weeks!  :)

How far along? 13 Weeks

Baby is the size of an: Lemon

Total weight gain: I've officially gained two pounds! 

Maternity clothes? Not yet.  But I did go buy a belly band today.  My work pants haven't been buttoned up all week. 

Stretch marks? None that I've noticed...yet.

Sleep: I still sleep pretty good but all I want to do is sleep on my back.  But I'm not allowed and it drives me crazy!

Exercise: No.  And I'm ashamed of that.

Miss Anything: I really miss baths.  Aaron is a bath guy and I get so jealous every time he gets to take one and I can't!  ...and I miss sleeping on my back. 

Movement: Not yet.  But I can't wait for that day!

Food cravings: Still no cravings.  I feel like I've skipped all the pregnancy symptoms.  No morning sickness, no cravings...lets hope it continues!

Labor Signs: Nope!

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy!!!

Best moment this week:  Well, when I was still 13 weeks, we were able to get the nursery painted and the crib is officially set up!  I know it's early but...why not?

Looking forward to: My belly getting bigger.  My favorite thing in the world right now is laying on my back and feeling the hard little uterus getting bigger and bigger every day as my baby gets bigger.  Best thing in the world!!!  LOVE!  

11 Weeks

I can't believe we're already 11 weeks.  It's weird, it feels like it's taken forever to get here, but at the same time I am over a quarter of the way there and I can't believe it!  I can't wait to have a big bump, and feel the baby kick, and just have the baby in my arms.  But I know that I am going to love each stage of pregnancy and that I just need to enjoy each moment as it comes.  I'm impatient but I'm just so excited!!!

We've decided to do a pregnancy chalkboard to help us keep track of my baby bump, symptoms, and anything else that happens during pregnancy.  I'll be posting each week's pic after that week is over so as of today I'm officially 12 weeks but I want to be able to put in the info about each week of pregnancy and I wouldn't have that info on day one so the week has to be over before I post.  HOLY LONG SENTENCE!  Did that even make sense?  Hopefully I'll be able to stay on top of it and make sure to post each week.  I'm loving being pregnant!

First, here is the chalkboard we did to announce the pregnancy on Facebook.

And here's our 11 week pic.  Yes, I know I look huge…and here's why.  I don't have a butt.  Never have.  But it's gotten worse once I grew me some love handles.  I'm flat as a board from behind!  Haha, get it?  Behind?  Anyway, I thought I would try to remedy that in the pictures so I was arching my back to give myself a butt.  (As you can see it didn't work out that way anyway.)  Without realizing it I was also giving myself a gut.  Oops.  So my 11 week pics aren't quite accurate.  We'll officially keep track of the bump starting next week.  Haha!!!

How far along? 11 Weeks
Baby is the size of an: Large Plum
Total weight gain: So far I've gained about 1 pound.  
Maternity clothes? Not yet.  But my pants are definitely getting tighter.  The baby bump is here!  But to anyone else I'm sure it just looks like I've got a gut on me.  Haha.   

Stretch marks? So far, so good!  But I'm not holding out much hope.  It's in the genes.  I'm doomed!
Sleep: I sleep really good except for the once a night bathroom break.  That part is getting a little old. But I hear that that is going to stop for a while now that the uterus is moving off of my bladder.  Yay!  That is until baby starts pushing on it when baby gets bigger.

Exercise: Not anything right now.  Aaron is a little overprotective with this pregnancy and he doesn't want me to do anything until I ok it with a doctor.  He is so cute with this pregnancy and all of his worrying about me and baby!  Love him!!!
Miss Anything: Yes!  I miss taking hot baths and I miss brie cheese.  

Movement: Not yet, still too early.  But I can't wait for that day!
Food cravings: Not really.  

Anything making you queasy or sick: I have had such an easy pregnancy so far!  I haven't had any morning sickness so I feel extremely lucky.  The only time I feel a little queasy is when I let myself get hungry.  But it's not too bad.

Labor Signs: Nope!
Happy or Moody most of the time:  I think I'm mostly happy.  I'm occasionally moody but I was that way before I got pregnant too.  My poor husband!
Best moment this week:  Getting our crib!  I know it's early but my parents-in-law bought it for us for Christmas this year.  It was delivered yesterday and I can't wait to set it up.  Aaron says we have to wait until we get the nursery painted before we set it up.  Does it make sense to wait?  Yes.  Do I want to be illogical about it anyway?  YES!!!  Hopefully we'll get it painted soon so I can see it set up. The box just doesn't have the same appeal.  Like I said earlier, patience will be hard for me during this whole thing.

Looking forward to: Getting another ultrasound tomorrow.  Can't wait to see our little baby again!!!

You moved for Daddy

We're Pregnant!!!

…but that story is for another day and another post.  It's a long one.  Right now I have some thoughts for my sweet baby that I need to get down before I forget things.  In the meantime, thank you so much to everyone who has been there for us in any way at all.  Words cannot express how much we appreciate your prayers on our behalf during our struggle into parenthood. 

Dear Baby Boots,

We got to see you again a couple days ago.  The first time we got to see you we couldn't even tell where your head was going to be because it was so early.  You were only 7 weeks.  But we did get to see your heart beat.  Your beautiful little heartbeat beating away so strong.  But this time for your 9 week ultrasound, there you were!  You were so beautiful!  We got to see your head, and your arms, and your legs, and the umbilical cord, and of course your strong little heart beat.

This was you at 7 weeks, and again at 9 weeks.

When the picture first came up onto the monitor, I saw you move!!!  I couldn't believe it!  I looked over at your daddy and…nothing.  He didn't see it.  I was so sad that he missed it.  The whole time while the nurse was taking the pictures and measurements you were so still.  No movement at all.  I think you knew it wasn't time to move so that she could get all the pictures and measurements that she needed.  But still, daddy didn't get to see you move and I was so sad about that.  I wanted him to have seen what I saw.  But as soon as she was done taking the pictures of you, you gave us a show.  You started moving and wiggling your little arms and you just kept dancing for us.  I looked over and your daddy and he had the most happy, excited look on his face.  I was so happy!  So of course I started giggling and couldn't stop.  We were so excited to get to see you moving and happy like that.  And I was so excited that your daddy got so see you move.  You moved for Daddy!

Look how perfect you are!!!

We are so excited to meet you.  We've been looking at some ideas for your nursery this week.  We've got so much to do and I'm not sure how we're going to get it all done in the next 30 weeks.  But we'll manage and it will be the most perfect room for you.  I can't wait until it's done and I especially can't wait to show it to you!

We've waited so long for you my sweet Baby Boots.  You will be so loved in this life and forever.  We love you so much Baby!

"I will give you rest"

Isn't it funny how in this journey we call life, we struggle and struggle and struggle with trials, and we scratch and claw and fight to climb out way out of them, usually without much luck? That is if we're trying to do it ourselves anyway. Until we fully turn to the Lord for support and help, we will continue to struggle. That's just the way it is.

I thought I'd been depending on the Lord this whole time. I prayed. I attended church. I payed my tithing. Etc. But I think in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't solely depending on Him, and He knew it too. I was angry and I couldn't let go of that anger, no matter what lie I told myself. I had to hit rock bottom for me to get it through my thick skull. And I did. I hit rock bottom. I was so lost and discouraged and angry. (see post here ) I feel kind of embarrassed saying this, but I felt kind of like Joseph Smith did when he was in Liberty Jail. Not for the same reasons, but I found myself asking those same questions of the Lord...a lot. "O God, where art thou?" "O Lord, how long shall 'we' suffer these wrongs and...opressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward 'us', and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward 'us'?" "...stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us." Remember us!

But I think my Lord and Savior knew what He was doing. It's when we are at our lowest that we truly remember who our Savior is. He didn't just save us from our sins, he saved us from our sorrows. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see how sweet the peace that only He can give is. "...Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph…"

I feel such peace. I pray that I can endure it well. Do I feel like everything is magically going to fall into place? Not at all, but that's ok. Because I feel peace. Do I think that I will still have low days where I forget to turn to Him? Absolutley, but that's ok too. Because my Father in Heaven loves me, so much that He sent His Son to be my Savior. And right now, I feel so much peace.

We did our last and final IUI last Saturday. We won't be doing anymore after this. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen. I'm not sure if it will work or not, but I'm not worried. Oddly enough I keep forgetting that I've even done it and that I'm waiting again. Either way, no matter what happens, I'm good, I'm content, and I'm happy in the knowledge that this is all part of His plan and His timing.      

Matthew 11:28 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Worn

I've been struggling a lot the last few days.  I feel so down but I couldn't really put my finger on what it was exactly.  Aaron keeps asking me what's wrong but I just can't put it into words.  Because I'm not even 100% sure what's wrong.

As I was driving home from work today I heard a song on a Christian station that I listen to.  This song put into words everything that I've been feeling.  As I listened I sobbed, and then sobbed and prayed.  My faith is shaken.  And though we still haven't gotten pregnant and that is heartbreaking in itself for both of us, I think that this is what has had me so down lately.  Because I feel like this is our test and I'm failing. Failing because I'm losing my faith.  I'm just so worn and wish I could just feel a little comfort and to know that there will be an end to all of our struggles.

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

"Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=0FJC2JNU

Boost to my ego...

I was walking home from church today, all by myself unfortunately.  Aaron had mandatory work today because of the football season coming up so he left right after the sacrament.  Anyway, that's beside the point.

I'm walking home when all of the sudden I hear yelling coming from behind me.  There were these two guys in their late teens to early twenties yelling out the window at who I'm assuming was one of their friends that I had just passed on my walk home.  When they passed me the passenger yelled out the window to me.

"You're beautiful!" he said.

They were driving pretty slow so a few seconds later he sticks his head out the window and yelled back at me.

"No seriously!  You should call me."

And a few seconds after that he yells one last time before their truck rounded the corner.

"9.7.4-8.3.8.3!" (Or something close to that anyway.)

Haha, I couldn't help but laugh and feel flattered.  Sure, he was just some random young guy making noise as he drove by...but hey, I'll take it!

So thank you random guy.  Thank you for the quick boost to my ego and self esteem that totally made my day!

Me on my walk home!

I wonder if he would have still felt the same way if he knew that I was 27 and married???  Oh well, I guess some things are better left unsaid sometimes.  :)

Another Name for God...

I learned something yesterday.  I learned that another name for God is "Something".

Let me tell you how I learned this awesome information with a little story about this amazing moment with an amazing old man.

Yesterday I went to the mall during my lunch break to buy a black maxi skirt.  I was really hoping to just get in and get out.  (You need to know that the mall is probably my least favorite place to be...ever.)  As soon as I walked in the door I saw this adorable little old man leaning on his cane and walking towards me and the exit.  (You also need to know that old people kind of scare me.  I never know what to say to them!)  He was probably 20 yards away and already he was talking to me. 

He was so appalled that I wouldn't be wearing shorts and flip flops in this weather.  I explained to him that I agreed.  It's terrible that I have to be wearing office appropriate clothing in the middle of summer!  He then asked me where I worked and told me that I looked really familiar to him.  I thought he might have come into work and that's where he might have seen me, but no.  He walks in the mall 5 days a week and swore that he has seen me in the mall.  (Little did he know that I avoid the mall like the plague!)  At this point I was thinking about how much I wanted to get away and get on with my shopping.  But that wasn't in the plan. 

He continued to pepper me with questions like "Are you married or living with someone?  Any kids?"  and told me that I was a very beautiful young woman.  And then he shocked the heck out of me!

"Would it be alright if I prayed with and for you?" he asked.

"WHAT?!" was the initial reaction that bounced around in my head.  But instead I said, "Sure!".  And I'm so glad I did. 

He reached out and grabbed my hand and right there in the middle of the crowded mall with people passing all around us, we bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and he prayed for me. 

It was the sweetest prayer.  He prayed over me and my life, and that Heavenly Father would bless me with something special today.  Something that only God can give me.  Sure it was a little bit weird, but mostly it was one of the most touching things I've experienced in my life.  How much better would the world be if we all had the courage to lift up our voice and pray over complete strangers in the middle of a crowd!

When he was done he asked if I was a Christian to which I replied with a "yes".  And he asked me if I knew any other names for God. 

"Well sure, I call him Heavenly Father."  I said.

But that's not what he was looking for.  He told me that another name for God is "Something." 

"Because Something told me to stop and talk to you today."

I could have hugged that sweet old man right then!  As he was walking away he told me to keep my eyes out for something amazing to happen to me today.  To which I replied, "I think it was you!"

I feel so blessed to have walked into that mall entrance right when I did and blessed to have had that strange and amazing interaction with such a sweet old man!

A Broken Heart

I'm feeling very discouraged and broken today.  And honestly, even a little angry too.  My feelings are so overwhelming and I can't seem to get a grip on myself.  I wish I had a better way with words because I feel like I need to get my emotions out and put down in words so that I can understand and move past them.  Why is it that every time I get my hopes up I'm just left with a huge disappointment?  I try so hard to remember that we are sent to this earth to be tested.  To see if we can seek our Father and turn to him and praise him even in the hard times and our weakest moments.  Sometimes I succeed in that, and other times I just don't see how he could want this trial of mine to go on for this long.  I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior ache when I do.  And I know that my Savior has felt and suffered all that I am suffering so that I can turn to Him and he will gladly bear my burden.  I try to remember that.  I try to do that.  I've humbled myself, I've turned to Him, I've held onto my testimony through all these years of heartache.  I've sought answers to prayers and I've received them.  So why does He bless me with an answer if He's not ready to bless me with what I know is a righteous desire?  What more do I need to know?  How much longer do Aaron and I have to wait and wonder?  The tears are flowing and my heart is aching. 

We did another IUI.  I don't think I told you that.  In fact, I don't think I even told you how the first one turned out.  The fact that we did another IUI should tell you that the first one didn't work.  I was a little upset, how could I not be?  But I knew the chances were pretty small that it would work for us on the first try so I didn't let it get me down that much.  I had a couple hours after I found out that the test was negative that I just wanted to be left alone and gather my thoughts.  I had those hours, I gathered my thoughts, and I moved on excited about the next try.

I thought we were going to have to cancel our cycle because we were going to Reno right around the time that I was supposed to ovulate.  But everything aligned perfectly, which I took as a good sign, and we were able to do the IUI the morning of Friday the 5th and we were flying out to Reno that same afternoon.  It worked out perfectly.  And I had two mature eggs this time so my chances were twice as good as last month.  It's been two weeks, and today I took a pregnancy test.  In the back of my mind expected it to be negative, but I hoped and prayed that it would be positive.  It was negative...  Today I don't have the luxury of a few hours to myself.  Today I'm sitting here at work, trying to keep the tears from my eyes as I great clients and answer phone calls.  I'm not handling this nearly as well as the first time, and nearly as well as I know I should.  They say that most couples will get pregnant within 3 IUI's.  We've gone through two and only have sperm enough for one more try.  What is it about 3 times that is supposed to work?  What is so different about this next time that all of the sudden, what couldn't happen before will magically work?  I'm so discouraged that it won't work for us.  That we won't be in the group of "most couples".  Our luck in this department just hasn't ever been that good. 

I'm trying to remain hopeful.  I'm trying to remain grateful for all of our other blessings that are so abundant in our lives.  But please, please Heavenly Father let it work for us this next time.  Please don't let me feel like giving up just because it's easier to live that way.  Please give me strength and comfort in the hours, and weeks, and months to come.

    

IUI Update

We had our first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) on Sunday morning.  It was actually pretty crazy that I ovulated and that we were even able to do it.  You see, ever since they put me on birth control things have just been different and I had a feeling it wouldn't go as smooth as it should have.  This will probably be a little TMI, but, here it is. 

My periods have always been extremely predictable and like clockwork.  I usually bleed heavy and cramp heavy on days 1 & 2 of my cycle and then just regular flow for the next 5 days.  My period always lasts a week.  But this time, after the birth control, I wasn't even sure I had a period.  I got a little crampy and a tiny bit spotty.  Then after a couple days I had one quick gush, and then spotting, and then the next day another quick gush...and then a tiny bit of spotting over the next day.  It was weird.  Once I saw how messed up my period was, I just knew that my ovulation schedule would be screwed up as well.

I had called Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine on my second "gush" day assuming that that was going to be the start of my full flow cycle.  But looking back, I think I probably should have called the day before.  They told me to start using the OPK on day 10 and then if nothing happened by day 14 then I needed to call in and get an ultrasound done to figure out why I wasn't ovulating.  Day 14 rolled around...nothing.  Day 15 rolled around...nothing.  But I still had this feeling that my ovulation was just late due to the birth control messing with things.  And I didn't want to pay another $200 for an ultrasound if it was just late.  Day 16 rolled around and it was still a negative.  So I finally called.ICRM and set up an ultrasound for the next Monday since day 16 fell on a Friday.  They were NOT happy with me for waiting to call but, it felt like the right thing to do for me.  On Saturday morning I peed on yet another OPK and stared at it praying to see two stupid pink lines...and I did!!!  Yay!  Seriously, it was such a relief.  I knew that waiting to call them was the right thing to do.  Ha!  Take that ICRM!!! 

Anyway, they told me to come in the next morning at 9 for the IUI.  The whole time that I was waiting for my ovulation I was just excited and impatient for it to come.  I thought I'd just continue that excitement right on through the procedure.  Turns out I'm still an emotional wreck...who knew?!  After she got done with the holy crap painful IUI she left to do some paperwork.  As soon as she walked out the door I lost it.  I was bawling!  Not because of the pain she just put me through, oh no, I'm just a wreck.  Shouldn't the normal reaction just be happy and excited?!?  Don't get me wrong, I was happy and excited but I was also so scared and nervous.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I get my hopes up just for a huge fall at the end?  And if it doesn't work then I have to deal with telling everyone who will want to ask us about it in a few weeks.  I struggle with the sympathy.  I don't really want it.  It just makes me feel sad all over again.

I have to tell you, Aaron was so sweet after the IUI.  They make you lay there for about 10-15 minutes after but say that that doesn't even really help, they just do it.  But Aaron wanted to give us as much of an advantage as he could.  So instead of the 10-15, I laid there for about 20 minutes.  Then in the car he wanted me to lay the seat back as far as it would go.  And when we got home, he wanted me to just lay and relax all day to give the swimmers as much of a fighting chance as they could get.  When we got home, he made me breakfast while I laid on the couch and read.  Then after breakfast, we went and watched movies for hours.  Any time I would try to get up to do something he'd yell, "What are you doing up, go lay down!"  It was so sweet.  He catered to me all day on the small chance that it would help get me pregnant.  I love that man so much!

So there it is.  Here we are, back to waiting.  And we are excited, very excited in fact.  We've just not been very lucky in this department so far so we're being cautiously optimistic.  Hopefully all works out and who knows, we could possibly be pregnant right now!  But until I see a positive on a pregnancy test...yep...I'll stay cautiously optimistic.  It's a roller coaster ride.  But as a good friend of mine told me, "Just relax, take a deep breath and try to keep calm.  It's much harder to do but at least the roller coaster ride is a bit more comfy that way."  :) 

Here are a few pictures we took outside ICRM on our way out.  Just in case this time did work for us we wanted to be able to document the day!

I was told that this one is gross.  Haha.  But this is what you get when you try to kiss your spouse in a picture and instead he sticks his tongue out.  I'll show him!  Haha.

 

I ended up getting what I wanted in the end.  I always do!  :)



Recent Cakes

I've had the opportunity to do some pretty fun cakes lately.  If I was on top of things I would be taking pictures during the process of making them and blog about each one individually.  However, I'm not.  So instead I'll do a catch up post about the last three that I made. 

The first is a farewell cake that I made for one of my co-workers.  It turned out pretty cute and I was really happy with the results.  As the baker, there are always things that you notice and wish you could do over, but I'm not going to tell you what those things are!  :)  Hopefully you won't notice them and you can just enjoy the cake as much as I do.  So here's number one in the line-up:

This next one was a lot of fun.  I call it my Stripes and Bow cake!  :)  This was also a work cake and I loved it.  It was very simple, clean, and just plain cute.  I hope you love it as much as I do.

And finally, this is the last cake I made.  I made it a couple days ago for a birthday.  I honestly didn't think it would turn out as cute as it did.  I was exhausted and short on time and cutting corners at every possible moment.  Maybe that's the trick because honestly, I love this cake! 

Hope you like my latest creations.  I have to say, I'm pretty proud of these ones!  :)

P.S.  With this last cake I discovered modeling chocolate.  I've been using fondant for all my decorations and it works great, but it also is a pain in the butt to make and super expensive to buy and just messy and sticky.  So I attempted to make this modeling chocolate out of the colored candy melts.  HO-LEY-COW!  It is amazing.  It's so easy to make, not messy at all, only two ingredients (candy melts and corn syrup), it tastes like white chocolate instead of powdered sugar, it doesn't stick to the counter, and it's pre-colored for you.  Have I convinced you yet?  I found my new love for making cake decorations!!!