Trust

This morning I was holding my beautiful baby boy and reveling in the way his little body curls up so perfectly on my chest.  I looked down at him and thought about the absolute perfect trust he has in me.  There is no doubt in his mind or mine that he is safe in my arms. All I could feel was completely blessed for his trust in me.  And in the same moment I felt completely blessed for the trust that my Heavenly Father has in me to raise this beautiful baby.  I feel somewhat overwhelmed and so grateful for that.  This baby boy is mine forever because of that trust.  What more could I ever possibly hope for?

Dear Teben

Dear Baby Teben,

What can I say? You've done it again. You continue to amaze and impress us every day.

Your daddy got to feel your hiccups for the first time yesterday. You don't get them very often so when you got them yesterday morning while I was still laying in bed I wanted to make sure your daddy got to feel them too. He came over and put his hand on my belly and pointed out each and every hiccup. And then he said, "Poor baby!". I couldn't understand why poor baby. I love it when you get the hiccups! But he said that hiccups hurt and he didn't want you to have them. He was so worried about you! He loves you so much already Teben. He tells me all the time how he is ready to have you in his arms. He's going to be such a good daddy to you! 

You're getting really big now. You're already about 17 inches long! And boy do I feel that sometimes. You move all day long. I love to put my hand on my belly and feel you move. And I love watching you move. My belly sure can dance thanks to you! Your favorite spot to hang out for your cute little bum and little legs is right under my ribs on the right side. I can almost always find your bum pushed right up against my ribs...and I love it! And then you stretch your little legs out and boy do you have pointy little heels. But you know what baby? I even love the pain of your pointy heels. Every kick to the ribs and every poke of your heels lets me feel you and know that you are healthy and growing. I love every second and every movement. I love you baby boy. I had no idea how much I could love you without even seeing you yet. But I do! You have become my world and I can't wait to show you how much you mean to me.

Are you sure you're not ready to come meet us yet? We wouldn't mind! Ok, I guess it's alright if you stay in there just a little longer. But July 19th can't come soon enough. We are ready for you baby boy!

Baby's size is?  Almost 17 inches and 3 1/2 pounds

Total weight gain?  20 pounds

Maternity clothes?  Oh yes...and I need more!
Stretch marks? No thank goodness.  But I'm getting more and more nervous with how big I'm getting.

Sleep?  Sleeping used to be my favorite thing in the world.  I couldn't wait to climb into bed every night.  Now I dread it.  My back hurts a lot and ribs are so painful.  My pillows don't even really help anymore.  Just two more months though.  I can do this!

Exercise?  I've been going to a prenatal yoga class for the last couple of months.  I thought it would be just stretching but no.  I come out of there sweating every time!

Miss Anything?  Just sleeping well.

Movement?  YES!!!  This baby boy not only moves but he dances.  It seems like he is constantly awake anymore and I love feeling and watching him move.

Food cravings?  I crave chocolate ice cream and Frosty's constantly.  I can't get enough.  Which is kind of weird because I've never really been an ice cream person.  Weird!  

Labor Signs?  Nothing beyond my continued contractions since my hospital stay.

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  

Best moment this week?  Having Aaron get to feel the hiccups.  I also had two baby showers this last week and they were amazing!  My friends and co-workers spoiled me!

Looking forward to?  Having this darn baby already.  I can't believe I still have two months.  I am so ready to meet him.

My pregnancy lately in pictures...

It seems that I've slacked in blogging about the pregnancy over the last couple of months. Hopefully I can pick it back up going forward. Until then...here's my pregnancy in pictures. 

Epiphany

While watching General Conference Sunday morning, I had an epiphany. The light bulb just switched on and I couldn't help but feel humbled and thankful, and honestly a little silly that I never saw it before.

I can't remember who it was that gave the talk but it was in the Sunday Morning Session. I think it may have been Elder Bednar but I'm not sure. The speaker focussed a lot on the scripture, Matthew 11:28-30.

 "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

When Aaron and I were going through those painful years trying to get pregnant, I often turned to this scripture and ended up asking "Why?". My Savior told me in that scripture that if I come to Him with my sorrows and my burdens, that He will give me rest.

At least that's what I have always thought He was telling me. I continually turned to the Lord and asked Him to take the pain. To give me rest. Basically, I thought if I turned to my Lord and Savior, He would turn everything around, take away our infertility issues, and give us an end.

But that's not what the scripture is telling us. And this is my epiphany.

When He is telling us to come unto Him and He will give us rest, it doesn't just end there. He says to "Take my yoke upon you". Somehow my brain always skipped over that part. 

Listening to the speaker explain how two animals are yoked together, working together to pull their load really struck me. The Savior didn't promise to take away my burden, but to stand right beside me struggling, and fighting and pulling with me to get through it. I had to deal with a lot of anger over our infertility because I kept expecting it to just go away. That there would be an easy answer. And when I turned to prayer hoping that I would find that easy answer, I got angry. Why wouldn't He just take it away when He has the power to and He has promised children to both me and Aaron? 

It's because He doesn't work that way. He didn't promise to take it away and make it better. He promised to stand next to me and pull through the sludge and mud that is our trial. And even though I didn't understand it then, I now know that He was always right beside me. Yoked to me in my burden and laboring right along beside me. He pulled when I pulled. He fought forward when I fought forward. He cried when I cried. And He put a comforting arm around me and made my burden just a little lighter until that time when HE knew it was our time. 

I am so grateful for General Conference and the little reminders and epiphanies that it offers. And I am so grateful for my Savior for yoking himself to me. Not only in that past struggle, but in all moments that I need Him.

15, 16, & 17 Weeks

I can feel the baby!  I think I've actually been feeling it for about 2 weeks now but I just wasn't sure.  I felt it for the first time one morning while I was laying in bed...I think.  I felt such a tiny, faint little flutter in my belly.  And that was it.  And then I wondered, "Did I really just feel that?"  "Did I imagine that?"  And then there was nothing for days.  Then I felt that same little flutter a few days later.  But it was just so soft!  Was I just wanting to feel it so bad that I was tricking my mind into thinking I was feeling the baby kick?  I just didn't know.  And then it was about a week without feeling anything.  So at that point I knew it had to be in my head.

I had my 16 week appointment where my doctor told me that a lot of first time moms won't feel anything until around 20-22 weeks.  Are you kidding me???  I've clearly been expecting this for the last week or so so this was devastating to hear.  But, baby had different plans.  About 3 days ago baby started moving like crazy.  There's no question anymore.  I get so excited every time I feel it!  It's so much stronger than it was a couple weeks ago.  It is such a unique amazing feeling and I am loving every single little tap, kick, and wiggle.  I can't wait for Aaron to be able to feel it too.  

I swear, pregnancy is the weirdest thing.  When you get the positive pregnancy test you think you understand and grasp that it's real.  Then you get to the first ultrasound and see the heartbeat and you think it's finally sinking in.  Then you get to the next ultrasound and get to hear the heartbeat and see your baby starting to become a baby and you think, "Now it's real and I understand that I'm actually pregnant".  But then it's hard to grasp the concept that you've actually got a baby growing inside you again.  And now I can finally feel the baby moving inside of me and I feel like it's clicking.  There's a baby in there!!!  But I know that that will continue throughout the entire pregnancy.  With each milestone it will feel more and more real until finally, there will be a beautiful sweet little baby in my arms.  I can't wait for that moment when everything that Aaron and I have been working for for so long is finally a tangible reality of parenthood!

Dear Baby Boutilier,

My sweet, sweet baby...where do I start.  You have blown my mind over the last week.  I am so happy and constantly aware of you lately.  Every little kick, or wiggle, or twitch, or whatever it is that you're doing in there, I am completely in love.  I've been trying so hard to explain the feeling to your daddy but unless you're feeling it, I'm not sure you can ever really understand what a beautiful bonding moment it is to be able to feel you move inside me.  You're amazing!  You are so loved already and I can't wait to continue to bond with you and watch you grow from out here.  Keep growing strong my baby.  Only 5 more months until you're in our arms.  Your mommy and daddy are enjoying every moment of this journey and we can't wait to meet you!

Love, 

Your Mommy  

Baby is the size of a:  Sweet Potato

Total weight gain?  5 1/2 pounds

Maternity clothes?  No but that's not for lack of needing them.  My belly band will only work for so much longer.  I definitely need to go get some maternity slacks for work.
Stretch marks? Not yet!

Sleep?  Sleeping has started to get kind of rough for me.  My stomach with one leg kicked out has been my go to position but that has been killing my hips lately.  And laying on my side is killing my back.  Weird.  I didn't expect to have these troubles until I was much bigger and further along.  

Exercise?  No.  And I'm ashamed of that.

Miss Anything?  Not anything that I can think of right now.

Movement?  YES!!!  See above for details.

Food cravings?  Still no cravings.  

Labor Signs?  Nope!

Happy or Moody most of the time?  Happy!!!  Although I do occasionally snap at Aaron and then immediately feel so guilty.  I'm totally blaming the hormones for that.

Best moment this week?  Feeling the baby kick by far.  It was also a really good moment to be able to hear the heartbeat on the doppler for the first time this last week.  And finally, one of the best moments I've had and continue to have is Aaron.  He loves watching my belly grow and is constantly complimenting me on it.  We have this thing that we do which is really dumb but anytime one of us says that the other is hot or looking good the other will say "no you're hot".  The other day that happened and Aaron said "No you're beautiful.  Especially with your pregnant belly."  Seriously, that melted me.  I love that he finds pregnancy sexy.  It makes me love him even more than I already do.

Looking forward to?  Finding out the sex of the baby.  2 1/2 weeks to go.  I can't wait to find out if our little nugget is a he or she!

Crybaby

Pregnancy hormones are weird.

You know how I thought I got away with having no pregnancy symptoms? Well, I forgot about one teeny, tiny, part. Hormones.

I cry, a lot. But it's not like I breakdown in a full out cry or anything. I just tear up quite frequently. And it's weird because logically I know that the things I'm crying about are just dumb, but it's like my tear ducts have a mind of their own these days.


"Oh you're just watching a commercial and someone is sad or depressed?" ...cry...

"Oh you're just reading a book about werewolves and some random stranger gets bit?" ...cry...

"Oh you're not doing anything in particular, just remembering how good your primary kids were in church today?" ...cry...

And this next one's my favorite.

"Oh you're just watching Ridiculousness and a clip comes on of a teenage boy who just came out of anesthesia and is on his way home when he waves to a passing car and the person in the car doesn't wave back and it hurts his feelings so bad that he starts to cry?" Oh ya, you guessed it. ...cry... I was laughing so hard at the clip and then I just got so sad that he was sad and I started crying. It was pathetic. I was still laughing and I was crying with tears running down my face at the same time, and I couldn't stop!  Uncontrollable.  I'm pretty sure Aaron thought I was losing my mind! Haha!


What is wrong with me?!? I sure hope other pregnant women go through the same exact thing. It would go a long way in re-affirming my sanity. For the time being anyway!

13 Weeks

Well, here we are at 13 weeks! (Yep, I missed 12!) And actually, I'm almost at the 15 week mark now! I'm going to have to start doing these on the actual day since I seem to be falling behind waiting until the end of the week. Anyway, here's my belly picture at 13 weeks. See you again at 15 weeks!  :)

How far along? 13 Weeks

Baby is the size of an: Lemon

Total weight gain: I've officially gained two pounds! 

Maternity clothes? Not yet.  But I did go buy a belly band today.  My work pants haven't been buttoned up all week. 

Stretch marks? None that I've noticed...yet.

Sleep: I still sleep pretty good but all I want to do is sleep on my back.  But I'm not allowed and it drives me crazy!

Exercise: No.  And I'm ashamed of that.

Miss Anything: I really miss baths.  Aaron is a bath guy and I get so jealous every time he gets to take one and I can't!  ...and I miss sleeping on my back. 

Movement: Not yet.  But I can't wait for that day!

Food cravings: Still no cravings.  I feel like I've skipped all the pregnancy symptoms.  No morning sickness, no cravings...lets hope it continues!

Labor Signs: Nope!

Happy or Moody most of the time:  Happy!!!

Best moment this week:  Well, when I was still 13 weeks, we were able to get the nursery painted and the crib is officially set up!  I know it's early but...why not?

Looking forward to: My belly getting bigger.  My favorite thing in the world right now is laying on my back and feeling the hard little uterus getting bigger and bigger every day as my baby gets bigger.  Best thing in the world!!!  LOVE!  

11 Weeks

I can't believe we're already 11 weeks.  It's weird, it feels like it's taken forever to get here, but at the same time I am over a quarter of the way there and I can't believe it!  I can't wait to have a big bump, and feel the baby kick, and just have the baby in my arms.  But I know that I am going to love each stage of pregnancy and that I just need to enjoy each moment as it comes.  I'm impatient but I'm just so excited!!!

We've decided to do a pregnancy chalkboard to help us keep track of my baby bump, symptoms, and anything else that happens during pregnancy.  I'll be posting each week's pic after that week is over so as of today I'm officially 12 weeks but I want to be able to put in the info about each week of pregnancy and I wouldn't have that info on day one so the week has to be over before I post.  HOLY LONG SENTENCE!  Did that even make sense?  Hopefully I'll be able to stay on top of it and make sure to post each week.  I'm loving being pregnant!

First, here is the chalkboard we did to announce the pregnancy on Facebook.

And here's our 11 week pic.  Yes, I know I look huge…and here's why.  I don't have a butt.  Never have.  But it's gotten worse once I grew me some love handles.  I'm flat as a board from behind!  Haha, get it?  Behind?  Anyway, I thought I would try to remedy that in the pictures so I was arching my back to give myself a butt.  (As you can see it didn't work out that way anyway.)  Without realizing it I was also giving myself a gut.  Oops.  So my 11 week pics aren't quite accurate.  We'll officially keep track of the bump starting next week.  Haha!!!

How far along? 11 Weeks
Baby is the size of an: Large Plum
Total weight gain: So far I've gained about 1 pound.  
Maternity clothes? Not yet.  But my pants are definitely getting tighter.  The baby bump is here!  But to anyone else I'm sure it just looks like I've got a gut on me.  Haha.   

Stretch marks? So far, so good!  But I'm not holding out much hope.  It's in the genes.  I'm doomed!
Sleep: I sleep really good except for the once a night bathroom break.  That part is getting a little old. But I hear that that is going to stop for a while now that the uterus is moving off of my bladder.  Yay!  That is until baby starts pushing on it when baby gets bigger.

Exercise: Not anything right now.  Aaron is a little overprotective with this pregnancy and he doesn't want me to do anything until I ok it with a doctor.  He is so cute with this pregnancy and all of his worrying about me and baby!  Love him!!!
Miss Anything: Yes!  I miss taking hot baths and I miss brie cheese.  

Movement: Not yet, still too early.  But I can't wait for that day!
Food cravings: Not really.  

Anything making you queasy or sick: I have had such an easy pregnancy so far!  I haven't had any morning sickness so I feel extremely lucky.  The only time I feel a little queasy is when I let myself get hungry.  But it's not too bad.

Labor Signs: Nope!
Happy or Moody most of the time:  I think I'm mostly happy.  I'm occasionally moody but I was that way before I got pregnant too.  My poor husband!
Best moment this week:  Getting our crib!  I know it's early but my parents-in-law bought it for us for Christmas this year.  It was delivered yesterday and I can't wait to set it up.  Aaron says we have to wait until we get the nursery painted before we set it up.  Does it make sense to wait?  Yes.  Do I want to be illogical about it anyway?  YES!!!  Hopefully we'll get it painted soon so I can see it set up. The box just doesn't have the same appeal.  Like I said earlier, patience will be hard for me during this whole thing.

Looking forward to: Getting another ultrasound tomorrow.  Can't wait to see our little baby again!!!

You moved for Daddy

We're Pregnant!!!

…but that story is for another day and another post.  It's a long one.  Right now I have some thoughts for my sweet baby that I need to get down before I forget things.  In the meantime, thank you so much to everyone who has been there for us in any way at all.  Words cannot express how much we appreciate your prayers on our behalf during our struggle into parenthood. 

Dear Baby Boots,

We got to see you again a couple days ago.  The first time we got to see you we couldn't even tell where your head was going to be because it was so early.  You were only 7 weeks.  But we did get to see your heart beat.  Your beautiful little heartbeat beating away so strong.  But this time for your 9 week ultrasound, there you were!  You were so beautiful!  We got to see your head, and your arms, and your legs, and the umbilical cord, and of course your strong little heart beat.

This was you at 7 weeks, and again at 9 weeks.

When the picture first came up onto the monitor, I saw you move!!!  I couldn't believe it!  I looked over at your daddy and…nothing.  He didn't see it.  I was so sad that he missed it.  The whole time while the nurse was taking the pictures and measurements you were so still.  No movement at all.  I think you knew it wasn't time to move so that she could get all the pictures and measurements that she needed.  But still, daddy didn't get to see you move and I was so sad about that.  I wanted him to have seen what I saw.  But as soon as she was done taking the pictures of you, you gave us a show.  You started moving and wiggling your little arms and you just kept dancing for us.  I looked over and your daddy and he had the most happy, excited look on his face.  I was so happy!  So of course I started giggling and couldn't stop.  We were so excited to get to see you moving and happy like that.  And I was so excited that your daddy got so see you move.  You moved for Daddy!

Look how perfect you are!!!

We are so excited to meet you.  We've been looking at some ideas for your nursery this week.  We've got so much to do and I'm not sure how we're going to get it all done in the next 30 weeks.  But we'll manage and it will be the most perfect room for you.  I can't wait until it's done and I especially can't wait to show it to you!

We've waited so long for you my sweet Baby Boots.  You will be so loved in this life and forever.  We love you so much Baby!

"I will give you rest"

Isn't it funny how in this journey we call life, we struggle and struggle and struggle with trials, and we scratch and claw and fight to climb out way out of them, usually without much luck? That is if we're trying to do it ourselves anyway. Until we fully turn to the Lord for support and help, we will continue to struggle. That's just the way it is.

I thought I'd been depending on the Lord this whole time. I prayed. I attended church. I payed my tithing. Etc. But I think in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't solely depending on Him, and He knew it too. I was angry and I couldn't let go of that anger, no matter what lie I told myself. I had to hit rock bottom for me to get it through my thick skull. And I did. I hit rock bottom. I was so lost and discouraged and angry. (see post here ) I feel kind of embarrassed saying this, but I felt kind of like Joseph Smith did when he was in Liberty Jail. Not for the same reasons, but I found myself asking those same questions of the Lord...a lot. "O God, where art thou?" "O Lord, how long shall 'we' suffer these wrongs and...opressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward 'us', and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward 'us'?" "...stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us." Remember us!

But I think my Lord and Savior knew what He was doing. It's when we are at our lowest that we truly remember who our Savior is. He didn't just save us from our sins, he saved us from our sorrows. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see how sweet the peace that only He can give is. "...Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph…"

I feel such peace. I pray that I can endure it well. Do I feel like everything is magically going to fall into place? Not at all, but that's ok. Because I feel peace. Do I think that I will still have low days where I forget to turn to Him? Absolutley, but that's ok too. Because my Father in Heaven loves me, so much that He sent His Son to be my Savior. And right now, I feel so much peace.

We did our last and final IUI last Saturday. We won't be doing anymore after this. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen. I'm not sure if it will work or not, but I'm not worried. Oddly enough I keep forgetting that I've even done it and that I'm waiting again. Either way, no matter what happens, I'm good, I'm content, and I'm happy in the knowledge that this is all part of His plan and His timing.      

Matthew 11:28 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.