This is going to be a LONG post so bear with me. I'm going to wrap up the last 6 years of trying to have a baby into one post.
Deep breath, here we go.
This still feels so surreal to me and almost like it's not actually happening. But Aaron and I have made a decision. We are finally moving forward and will hopefully be pregnant within the next couple of months!
This decision has been a long time coming. And a lot of fights and tears in the making. This journey to have a baby started six years ago. When we got married we thought we would wait at least a year before trying to get pregnant. But within a couple of months we knew we wanted to add a sweet little baby to our family. We couldn't wait to be parents! But the Lord had different plans for us. We tried and tried to get pregnant over that first year but with no success. I kept thinking that something was wrong. I knew that you weren't supposed to go to the doctors to get things checked out until you'd been trying for at least a year so we waited. About a year and a half after we got married we moved to Boise and decided it was time to have some tests done.
Turns out I'm fine. More than fine actually, I'm extremely fertile! But Aaron on the other hand wasn't quite so lucky. Fertile he is not. After a few..umm, lets just say comical...sperm donations, it was determined that his sperm count was VERY low. And his mobility was VERY low. And his motility was VERY low. Unfortunately with those three things working against us, the doctors told us that we had no chance of conceiving on our own. About this time we had many people ask us if we wanted them to show us how it's done. That maybe we were doing it wrong. Let me just clear up any misunderstanding on the matter...our sex life is not lacking. In fact it's quite satisfactory! ;) Anyway, back to the story. The doctor suggested that we do surgery to remove varicose veins that could be causing the problem with Aaron. So we did the surgery. But the surgery didn't work. Around $7000 and two big scars later, we were back to square one.
At this point we considered our different options. We could adopt. We could use a sperm donor. Or we could do in-vitro. We didn't originally think that in-vitro was an option because it was so expensive. We went to an initial adoption meeting and were strongly considering that option. And then we looked at a sperm donor. My initial thought was no but Aaron really wanted to go for it. I prayed and prayed and didn't think we should do it...and then I had an overwhelming feeling come over me that if we wanted to use a sperm donor, we had that blessing from the Lord. It was such a sweet spiritual moment for me!
I'm not really sure what happened after that. I think I must have let doubt creep in and I just...forgot. We decided that in-vitro was now a logical option that would allow us to have a baby that was both Aaron's and my DNA. At that point, all thoughts of a sperm donor went out the window.
Now it's almost three years later and still no baby. Over the last couple years we've still tried to get things moving through many means. We applied for a loan to do in-vitro but were denied for that. :( We've tried to save for it but we have so many bills going in so many directions that that hasn't really worked out either. And we've constantly argued over the last year whether we should adopt or do a sperm donor. Aaron was very pro donor and absolutely against adoption. I was very pro adoption and absolutely against a donor. Every time we brought this up it would end in a tear soaked fight and we would just give up and ignore it for the next couple months and then go the rounds again. He couldn't understand my aversion to a donor and I couldn't understand his aversion to adoption. I thought he was so wrong!
As we were driving home the other day from work we got into that same argument with the same results. When we got home he went in the house and I stayed in the car to calm down. I had a strong feeling that I needed to call my Mom. At the time, I thought it was so that she could back up my worries and fears and tell me that Aaron was wrong. Tell me I was right! Oh how I was wrong. I was so worried that by using a sperm donor just because it was easier and cheaper and a semi-instant result that I would be selfish to consider it. I couldn't picture having a child with a sperm donor and then down the road doing in-vitro so that I could have a child that looks like Aaron. It felt like I would be saying that the first kid wasn't enough. And what if the sperm donor kid feels somehow like he's not as good as any other kids or feels that he/she isn't as much a part of the family as the other kids. What ifs, and worry, and fear, and doubt. That is all that filled my mind when I thought about using a sperm donor. When I called Mom I thought she was going to validate my thoughts. Tell me I had a right to worry and doubt. Tell me that it was Aaron who was being selfish. But instead she told me that no matter how I bring a child into our family, it's not selfish. That any child will be Aaron's child. That there are always worries and doubts when it comes to being a parent. And then Dad got on the phone and told me to "Go get your baby!" It doesn't matter how, just go get it. Aaron and I were both promised to be parents in our patriarchal blessings and we need to do all in our power to do that. Our family isn't complete until we do. It was not the phone call I was expecting but it was the phone call I needed. I'm not sure where or when I strayed from my original answer about using a sperm donor, but I think the Lord has been sitting back quietly waiting for me to remember that he had already given me my answer almost 4 years ago. He had been oddly quiet on the matter over the last few years and I had almost decided to give up. That it would be easier to just accept that we wouldn't have babies and move on with our lives. But that's not why he was quiet. He had already answered us, and he was waiting for us to remember that.
When I went inside to talk to Aaron and tell him that I was thinking we should use a sperm donor, his eyes welled up with the most beautiful tears I've ever seen. He's so ready and so excited to be a daddy. And I'm so ready and so excited to be a mommy. We're ready to be parents! It was an easy decision after that and we are moving forward.
This has been the most painful, emotional, heartbreaking 6 years I could imagine, but it's almost over. I know that those worries and fears will still creep in if I let them but I am holding on to the answer I've been given. This is right and I'm so excited. We've set up our initial appointment for April 2nd, 2013 and they say that we could be good to go by my next ovulation. That's in less than a month and a half! I could be pregnant in a month and a half!!! Please keep us in your prayers that everything will go well and work out for us while we try to bring home our baby.
So thankful, so humbled, so excited...and so surreal!
PS. If we did get pregnant during next month's ovulation, my due date would be around January 23rd, 2014. Yes, I already checked! :)