I'm feeling very discouraged and broken today. And honestly, even a little angry too. My feelings are so overwhelming and I can't seem to get a grip on myself. I wish I had a better way with words because I feel like I need to get my emotions out and put down in words so that I can understand and move past them. Why is it that every time I get my hopes up I'm just left with a huge disappointment? I try so hard to remember that we are sent to this earth to be tested. To see if we can seek our Father and turn to him and praise him even in the hard times and our weakest moments. Sometimes I succeed in that, and other times I just don't see how he could want this trial of mine to go on for this long. I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior ache when I do. And I know that my Savior has felt and suffered all that I am suffering so that I can turn to Him and he will gladly bear my burden. I try to remember that. I try to do that. I've humbled myself, I've turned to Him, I've held onto my testimony through all these years of heartache. I've sought answers to prayers and I've received them. So why does He bless me with an answer if He's not ready to bless me with what I know is a righteous desire? What more do I need to know? How much longer do Aaron and I have to wait and wonder? The tears are flowing and my heart is aching.
We did another IUI. I don't think I told you that. In fact, I don't think I even told you how the first one turned out. The fact that we did another IUI should tell you that the first one didn't work. I was a little upset, how could I not be? But I knew the chances were pretty small that it would work for us on the first try so I didn't let it get me down that much. I had a couple hours after I found out that the test was negative that I just wanted to be left alone and gather my thoughts. I had those hours, I gathered my thoughts, and I moved on excited about the next try.
I thought we were going to have to cancel our cycle because we were going to Reno right around the time that I was supposed to ovulate. But everything aligned perfectly, which I took as a good sign, and we were able to do the IUI the morning of Friday the 5th and we were flying out to Reno that same afternoon. It worked out perfectly. And I had two mature eggs this time so my chances were twice as good as last month. It's been two weeks, and today I took a pregnancy test. In the back of my mind expected it to be negative, but I hoped and prayed that it would be positive. It was negative... Today I don't have the luxury of a few hours to myself. Today I'm sitting here at work, trying to keep the tears from my eyes as I great clients and answer phone calls. I'm not handling this nearly as well as the first time, and nearly as well as I know I should. They say that most couples will get pregnant within 3 IUI's. We've gone through two and only have sperm enough for one more try. What is it about 3 times that is supposed to work? What is so different about this next time that all of the sudden, what couldn't happen before will magically work? I'm so discouraged that it won't work for us. That we won't be in the group of "most couples". Our luck in this department just hasn't ever been that good.
I'm trying to remain hopeful. I'm trying to remain grateful for all of our other blessings that are so abundant in our lives. But please, please Heavenly Father let it work for us this next time. Please don't let me feel like giving up just because it's easier to live that way. Please give me strength and comfort in the hours, and weeks, and months to come.