May 16, 2013

a setback

Well, we had our initial consultation!  We'd already been there a couple years before so it was a very short appointment where they just went over the details of going through the sperm donor program and the list of things I would need to get done before the IUI.  Everything was a piece of cake.  Going perfectly!

  • Start taking clomid...Check!
  • Take my prenatals...Check!
  • Find a sperm donor...Check!  (This part was so stressful for me.  How do you choose the donor who will be the right choice for your child and your family?  And when you think you've found one, is it the right one?  Is there a better one?  Should we just hold out in case a better one comes along?  A lot of people didn't understand the stress because any donor would get us a baby.  But whichever we chose we would have to live with for the rest of our lives.  But we did it!  I think we have the perfect donor!!!)
  • Order the other medication to be delivered to my house once the IUI is done...Check!
  • Start using the ovulation predictor kit...Check!
  • Then wait...

On day cycle day 11 I had an ultrasound to make sure that I had good eggs developing.  And I did!  Just too many.  Apparently my body really responds to clomid and where a typical person will develop 2-3 eggs on clomid, I developed 6 fully mature and 5 almost mature eggs.  The nurse who was doing the ultrasound said that that might be too many compared what they feel comfortable with but she would talk to the doctor to make sure.  When she was out of the room discussing the ultrasound with the doctor, I prayed so hard that they would still let me do the IUI.  I prayed and prayed and held on to the tiny shred of hope that was given to me by the nurse.  When she came back in and told me that they were cancelling my cycle...I held it together.  When she told me that I would have to go on birth control for the next three weeks...I lost it.  My heart was broken.  How is it possible that I should be on birth control when trying to get pregnant?  I was angry and hopeless all over again.  Maybe that's dramatic.  Maybe I failed in holding onto my faith in that moment.  Maybe that's why it happened.   

When I finally decided that this is the path that we were going to take, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love and support from my Heavenly Father.  I felt like since I had finally taken that step, everything would fall perfectly into place because the Lord was behind us.  I guess there's still some tests and hurdles that I have to overcome in the process of becoming a parent.  But I know that with my sweet husband and the Lord both walking beside me, I'm strong enough to face these challenges head on.

I have been on birth control for almost three weeks now.  I have another ultrasound next monday to see if everthing is back to normal so that we can start a new cycle.  I'm hopeful...  However, if I'm able to start a new cycle, I won't be able to take clomid again.  That means that the chances of conceiving each try is significantly less.  I'm terrified...  But I'll take whatever comes. 

Please pray for me, pray for us.  I'm grateful and appreciative for all of the prayers and support that have been given on our behalf in our journey to parenthood.     


  1. It is so hard to explain to other people how much freaking WAITING there is to this process. You wait for your period. Then you wait to ovulate. Then you do the two week wait. And you repeat that for months :(
    And when you start to get your hopes up and it fails again, ugh, that just kills you. Our first IVF cycle failed. I still remember how much I cried and cried when I realized none of our embryos were viable. It just sucks.
    On the other hand, when you get your first positive pregnancy test (and I know you will!), there's nothing in the world that compares. After peeing on stick after finally see a smiley face made me cry just as hard :)

    1. Thank you Emily. People can try and sympathize with you but until they've gone through this process, they don't really understand how three weeks can feel like three years. Or how high your highs are and how low your lows. But I really appreciate the support you've been over the years as we both struggled with this. I'm so happy you have your beautiful little baby and can't wait 'till I get there! :)