Isn't it funny how in this journey we call life, we struggle and struggle and struggle with trials, and we scratch and claw and fight to climb out way out of them, usually without much luck? That is if we're trying to do it ourselves anyway. Until we fully turn to the Lord for support and help, we will continue to struggle. That's just the way it is.
I thought I'd been depending on the Lord this whole time. I prayed. I attended church. I payed my tithing. Etc. But I think in the back of my mind I knew I wasn't solely depending on Him, and He knew it too. I was angry and I couldn't let go of that anger, no matter what lie I told myself. I had to hit rock bottom for me to get it through my thick skull. And I did. I hit rock bottom. I was so lost and discouraged and angry. (see post here )
I feel kind of embarrassed saying this, but I felt kind of like Joseph Smith did when he was in Liberty Jail. Not for the same reasons, but I found myself asking those same questions of the Lord...a lot. "O God, where art thou?" "O Lord, how long shall 'we' suffer these wrongs and...opressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward 'us', and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward 'us'?" "...stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and thy bowels moved with compassion toward us." Remember us!
But I think my Lord and Savior knew what He was doing. It's when we are at our lowest that we truly remember who our Savior is. He didn't just save us from our sins, he saved us from our sorrows. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to see how sweet the peace that only He can give is. "...Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph…"
I feel such peace. I pray that I can endure it well. Do I feel like everything is magically going to fall into place? Not at all, but that's ok. Because I feel peace. Do I think that I will still have low days where I forget to turn to Him? Absolutley, but that's ok too. Because my Father in Heaven loves me, so much that He sent His Son to be my Savior. And right now, I feel so much peace.
We did our last and final IUI last Saturday. We won't be doing anymore after this. I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen. I'm not sure if it will work or not, but I'm not worried. Oddly enough I keep forgetting that I've even done it and that I'm waiting again. Either way, no matter what happens, I'm good, I'm content, and I'm happy in the knowledge that this is all part of His plan and His timing.
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.