A Broken Heart

I'm feeling very discouraged and broken today.  And honestly, even a little angry too.  My feelings are so overwhelming and I can't seem to get a grip on myself.  I wish I had a better way with words because I feel like I need to get my emotions out and put down in words so that I can understand and move past them.  Why is it that every time I get my hopes up I'm just left with a huge disappointment?  I try so hard to remember that we are sent to this earth to be tested.  To see if we can seek our Father and turn to him and praise him even in the hard times and our weakest moments.  Sometimes I succeed in that, and other times I just don't see how he could want this trial of mine to go on for this long.  I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior ache when I do.  And I know that my Savior has felt and suffered all that I am suffering so that I can turn to Him and he will gladly bear my burden.  I try to remember that.  I try to do that.  I've humbled myself, I've turned to Him, I've held onto my testimony through all these years of heartache.  I've sought answers to prayers and I've received them.  So why does He bless me with an answer if He's not ready to bless me with what I know is a righteous desire?  What more do I need to know?  How much longer do Aaron and I have to wait and wonder?  The tears are flowing and my heart is aching. 

We did another IUI.  I don't think I told you that.  In fact, I don't think I even told you how the first one turned out.  The fact that we did another IUI should tell you that the first one didn't work.  I was a little upset, how could I not be?  But I knew the chances were pretty small that it would work for us on the first try so I didn't let it get me down that much.  I had a couple hours after I found out that the test was negative that I just wanted to be left alone and gather my thoughts.  I had those hours, I gathered my thoughts, and I moved on excited about the next try.

I thought we were going to have to cancel our cycle because we were going to Reno right around the time that I was supposed to ovulate.  But everything aligned perfectly, which I took as a good sign, and we were able to do the IUI the morning of Friday the 5th and we were flying out to Reno that same afternoon.  It worked out perfectly.  And I had two mature eggs this time so my chances were twice as good as last month.  It's been two weeks, and today I took a pregnancy test.  In the back of my mind expected it to be negative, but I hoped and prayed that it would be positive.  It was negative...  Today I don't have the luxury of a few hours to myself.  Today I'm sitting here at work, trying to keep the tears from my eyes as I great clients and answer phone calls.  I'm not handling this nearly as well as the first time, and nearly as well as I know I should.  They say that most couples will get pregnant within 3 IUI's.  We've gone through two and only have sperm enough for one more try.  What is it about 3 times that is supposed to work?  What is so different about this next time that all of the sudden, what couldn't happen before will magically work?  I'm so discouraged that it won't work for us.  That we won't be in the group of "most couples".  Our luck in this department just hasn't ever been that good. 

I'm trying to remain hopeful.  I'm trying to remain grateful for all of our other blessings that are so abundant in our lives.  But please, please Heavenly Father let it work for us this next time.  Please don't let me feel like giving up just because it's easier to live that way.  Please give me strength and comfort in the hours, and weeks, and months to come.

    

IUI Update

We had our first IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination) on Sunday morning.  It was actually pretty crazy that I ovulated and that we were even able to do it.  You see, ever since they put me on birth control things have just been different and I had a feeling it wouldn't go as smooth as it should have.  This will probably be a little TMI, but, here it is. 

My periods have always been extremely predictable and like clockwork.  I usually bleed heavy and cramp heavy on days 1 & 2 of my cycle and then just regular flow for the next 5 days.  My period always lasts a week.  But this time, after the birth control, I wasn't even sure I had a period.  I got a little crampy and a tiny bit spotty.  Then after a couple days I had one quick gush, and then spotting, and then the next day another quick gush...and then a tiny bit of spotting over the next day.  It was weird.  Once I saw how messed up my period was, I just knew that my ovulation schedule would be screwed up as well.

I had called Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine on my second "gush" day assuming that that was going to be the start of my full flow cycle.  But looking back, I think I probably should have called the day before.  They told me to start using the OPK on day 10 and then if nothing happened by day 14 then I needed to call in and get an ultrasound done to figure out why I wasn't ovulating.  Day 14 rolled around...nothing.  Day 15 rolled around...nothing.  But I still had this feeling that my ovulation was just late due to the birth control messing with things.  And I didn't want to pay another $200 for an ultrasound if it was just late.  Day 16 rolled around and it was still a negative.  So I finally called.ICRM and set up an ultrasound for the next Monday since day 16 fell on a Friday.  They were NOT happy with me for waiting to call but, it felt like the right thing to do for me.  On Saturday morning I peed on yet another OPK and stared at it praying to see two stupid pink lines...and I did!!!  Yay!  Seriously, it was such a relief.  I knew that waiting to call them was the right thing to do.  Ha!  Take that ICRM!!! 

Anyway, they told me to come in the next morning at 9 for the IUI.  The whole time that I was waiting for my ovulation I was just excited and impatient for it to come.  I thought I'd just continue that excitement right on through the procedure.  Turns out I'm still an emotional wreck...who knew?!  After she got done with the holy crap painful IUI she left to do some paperwork.  As soon as she walked out the door I lost it.  I was bawling!  Not because of the pain she just put me through, oh no, I'm just a wreck.  Shouldn't the normal reaction just be happy and excited?!?  Don't get me wrong, I was happy and excited but I was also so scared and nervous.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I get my hopes up just for a huge fall at the end?  And if it doesn't work then I have to deal with telling everyone who will want to ask us about it in a few weeks.  I struggle with the sympathy.  I don't really want it.  It just makes me feel sad all over again.

I have to tell you, Aaron was so sweet after the IUI.  They make you lay there for about 10-15 minutes after but say that that doesn't even really help, they just do it.  But Aaron wanted to give us as much of an advantage as he could.  So instead of the 10-15, I laid there for about 20 minutes.  Then in the car he wanted me to lay the seat back as far as it would go.  And when we got home, he wanted me to just lay and relax all day to give the swimmers as much of a fighting chance as they could get.  When we got home, he made me breakfast while I laid on the couch and read.  Then after breakfast, we went and watched movies for hours.  Any time I would try to get up to do something he'd yell, "What are you doing up, go lay down!"  It was so sweet.  He catered to me all day on the small chance that it would help get me pregnant.  I love that man so much!

So there it is.  Here we are, back to waiting.  And we are excited, very excited in fact.  We've just not been very lucky in this department so far so we're being cautiously optimistic.  Hopefully all works out and who knows, we could possibly be pregnant right now!  But until I see a positive on a pregnancy test...yep...I'll stay cautiously optimistic.  It's a roller coaster ride.  But as a good friend of mine told me, "Just relax, take a deep breath and try to keep calm.  It's much harder to do but at least the roller coaster ride is a bit more comfy that way."  :) 

Here are a few pictures we took outside ICRM on our way out.  Just in case this time did work for us we wanted to be able to document the day!

I was told that this one is gross.  Haha.  But this is what you get when you try to kiss your spouse in a picture and instead he sticks his tongue out.  I'll show him!  Haha.

 

I ended up getting what I wanted in the end.  I always do!  :)



Recent Cakes

I've had the opportunity to do some pretty fun cakes lately.  If I was on top of things I would be taking pictures during the process of making them and blog about each one individually.  However, I'm not.  So instead I'll do a catch up post about the last three that I made. 

The first is a farewell cake that I made for one of my co-workers.  It turned out pretty cute and I was really happy with the results.  As the baker, there are always things that you notice and wish you could do over, but I'm not going to tell you what those things are!  :)  Hopefully you won't notice them and you can just enjoy the cake as much as I do.  So here's number one in the line-up:

This next one was a lot of fun.  I call it my Stripes and Bow cake!  :)  This was also a work cake and I loved it.  It was very simple, clean, and just plain cute.  I hope you love it as much as I do.

And finally, this is the last cake I made.  I made it a couple days ago for a birthday.  I honestly didn't think it would turn out as cute as it did.  I was exhausted and short on time and cutting corners at every possible moment.  Maybe that's the trick because honestly, I love this cake! 

Hope you like my latest creations.  I have to say, I'm pretty proud of these ones!  :)

P.S.  With this last cake I discovered modeling chocolate.  I've been using fondant for all my decorations and it works great, but it also is a pain in the butt to make and super expensive to buy and just messy and sticky.  So I attempted to make this modeling chocolate out of the colored candy melts.  HO-LEY-COW!  It is amazing.  It's so easy to make, not messy at all, only two ingredients (candy melts and corn syrup), it tastes like white chocolate instead of powdered sugar, it doesn't stick to the counter, and it's pre-colored for you.  Have I convinced you yet?  I found my new love for making cake decorations!!!

25 things you should know about me in 2013

I've been wanting to do a post like this for a while now.  I saw a similar post on LMM a while back and knew I had to do my own version of it.  If for nothing else, so 20 years from now I can look back and remember what was important to me and what I am like.  Here goes.

1. I'm 27 years old.  Married.  Two dogs.  No kids.  Currently working on changing that last part.
2. We own a 1400 sq ft home that we are constantly updating.
3. I love to bake and decorate cakes but don't care to actually eat them that often.
4. I pee in front of my husband and feel weird when I actually have to close the bathroom door. 
5. I still get tomatoes and potatoes confused.  I know the difference but if I'm in a hurry I almost always say the opposite of what I'm thinking.
6. I have broken my arm...3 times.
7. I HATE doing laundry!!!  (Did I emphasize that enough?)  It's the folding and putting away that is the death of me.  I more often than not will leave the clothes in the dryer until I need them and then I'll just re-run it until they aren't wrinkled anymore.
8. I also hate mowing the lawn if it's been more than a week since it's been cut.  I'd rather just ignore it until all of the sudden it's knee high and then finally I'll break down and do it.  And then it's a million times worse than if I'd just done it to begin with.  It's terrible!
9. I'm the youngest of 5 kids.
10. We want to move to Brazil once Aaron finishes his masters program in August.  (Probably won't happen though.)
11. I recently started bouldering (rock climbing) and love it. 
12. I teach the 6-7 year olds in Primary and I love it!
13. I'm a little neurotic.  I count everything.  Everything has to be done in evens.  I'm also constantly typing sentences I hear with my hands where every they happen to be laying...no keyboard or computer to be found.  Judge me kindly on that one...
14. I have started many crafts and I have yet to finish any.
15. I love the smell of my spouses face.  Is that weird?
16. I get lost in books, any books, even if they're not that good.  
17. I only wash my hair once or twice a week.  Much more cooperative that way.
18. I currently have braces.  (Getting these babies off in December and can't wait!!!)
19. I have been the same weight for the last 7 years.  My pant size goes up and down but my weight stays the same...it's weird...
20. Being touched on my hips or my belly button makes me cringe and feel like I want to faint. 
21. I refuse to pay for manicures and a pedicure is pushing it.
22. I always have a fridge full of leftovers that eventually go bad because neither Aaron or I will eat them.
23. I'm an adult, yet I still never step on cracks in the sidewalk.
24. Going to the movies is my favorite way to spend a date night. 
25. And finally...I Am Enough.  I have shortcomings and failures and sometimes I'm lazy and selfish.  It's so easy to get caught up in what holds me back.  But I also have achievements and gratitude for my blessings.  I'm motivated by what's right and by what's right for my family.  I genuinely want everyone to feel loved and included.  I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness no matter the situation.  I believe in a merciful Heavenly Father who looks past my shortcomings and instead sees what I have to offer and what I can become.  And because of that...I Am Enough.

a setback

Well, we had our initial consultation!  We'd already been there a couple years before so it was a very short appointment where they just went over the details of going through the sperm donor program and the list of things I would need to get done before the IUI.  Everything was a piece of cake.  Going perfectly!

• Start taking clomid...Check!
• Take my prenatals...Check!
• Find a sperm donor...Check!  (This part was so stressful for me.  How do you choose the donor who will be the right choice for your child and your family?  And when you think you've found one, is it the right one?  Is there a better one?  Should we just hold out in case a better one comes along?  A lot of people didn't understand the stress because any donor would get us a baby.  But whichever we chose we would have to live with for the rest of our lives.  But we did it!  I think we have the perfect donor!!!)
• Order the other medication to be delivered to my house once the IUI is done...Check!
• Start using the ovulation predictor kit...Check!
• Then wait...

On day cycle day 11 I had an ultrasound to make sure that I had good eggs developing.  And I did!  Just too many.  Apparently my body really responds to clomid and where a typical person will develop 2-3 eggs on clomid, I developed 6 fully mature and 5 almost mature eggs.  The nurse who was doing the ultrasound said that that might be too many compared what they feel comfortable with but she would talk to the doctor to make sure.  When she was out of the room discussing the ultrasound with the doctor, I prayed so hard that they would still let me do the IUI.  I prayed and prayed and held on to the tiny shred of hope that was given to me by the nurse.  When she came back in and told me that they were cancelling my cycle...I held it together.  When she told me that I would have to go on birth control for the next three weeks...I lost it.  My heart was broken.  How is it possible that I should be on birth control when trying to get pregnant?  I was angry and hopeless all over again.  Maybe that's dramatic.  Maybe I failed in holding onto my faith in that moment.  Maybe that's why it happened.   

When I finally decided that this is the path that we were going to take, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of love and support from my Heavenly Father.  I felt like since I had finally taken that step, everything would fall perfectly into place because the Lord was behind us.  I guess there's still some tests and hurdles that I have to overcome in the process of becoming a parent.  But I know that with my sweet husband and the Lord both walking beside me, I'm strong enough to face these challenges head on.

I have been on birth control for almost three weeks now.  I have another ultrasound next monday to see if everthing is back to normal so that we can start a new cycle.  I'm hopeful...  However, if I'm able to start a new cycle, I won't be able to take clomid again.  That means that the chances of conceiving each try is significantly less.  I'm terrified...  But I'll take whatever comes. 

Please pray for me, pray for us.  I'm grateful and appreciative for all of the prayers and support that have been given on our behalf in our journey to parenthood.     
 

We're finally going to be parents!

This is going to be a LONG post so bear with me.  I'm going to wrap up the last 6 years of trying to have a baby into one post. 

Deep breath, here we go.

This still feels so surreal to me and almost like it's not actually happening.  But Aaron and I have made a decision.  We are finally moving forward and will hopefully be pregnant within the next couple of months!

This decision has been a long time coming.  And a lot of fights and tears in the making.  This journey to have a baby started six years ago.  When we got married we thought we would wait at least a year before trying to get pregnant.  But within a couple of months we knew we wanted to add a sweet little baby to our family.  We couldn't wait to be parents!  But the Lord had different plans for us.  We tried and tried to get pregnant over that first year but with no success.  I kept thinking that something was wrong.  I knew that you weren't supposed to go to the doctors to get things checked out until you'd been trying for at least a year so we waited.  About a year and a half after we got married we moved to Boise and decided it was time to have some tests done. 

Turns out I'm fine.  More than fine actually, I'm extremely fertile!  But Aaron on the other hand wasn't quite so lucky.  Fertile he is not.  After a few..umm, lets just say comical...sperm donations, it was determined that his sperm count was VERY low.  And his mobility was VERY low.  And his motility was VERY low.  Unfortunately with those three things working against us, the doctors told us that we had no chance of conceiving on our own.  About this time we had many people ask us if we wanted them to show us how it's done.  That maybe we were doing it wrong.  Let me just clear up any misunderstanding on the matter...our sex life is not lacking.  In fact it's quite satisfactory! ;)  Anyway, back to the story.  The doctor suggested that we do surgery to remove varicose veins that could be causing the problem with Aaron.  So we did the surgery. But the surgery didn't work.  Around $7000 and two big scars later, we were back to square one. 

At this point we considered our different options.  We could adopt.  We could use a sperm donor.  Or we could do in-vitro.  We didn't originally think that in-vitro was an option because it was so expensive.  We went to an initial adoption meeting and were strongly considering that option.  And then we looked at a sperm donor.  My initial thought was no but Aaron really wanted to go for it.  I prayed and prayed and didn't think we should do it...and then I had an overwhelming feeling come over me that if we wanted to use a sperm donor, we had that blessing from the Lord.  It was such a sweet spiritual moment for me! 

I'm not really sure what happened after that.  I think I must have let doubt creep in and I just...forgot.  We decided that in-vitro was now a logical option that would allow us to have a baby that was both Aaron's and my DNA.  At that point, all thoughts of a sperm donor went out the window. 

Now it's almost three years later and still no baby.  Over the last couple years we've still tried to get things moving through many means.  We applied for a loan to do in-vitro but were denied for that. :(  We've tried to save for it but we have so many bills going in so many directions that that hasn't really worked out either.  And we've constantly argued over the last year whether we should adopt or do a sperm donor.  Aaron was very pro donor and absolutely against adoption.  I was very pro adoption and absolutely against a donor.  Every time we brought this up it would end in a tear soaked fight and we would just give up and ignore it for the next couple months and then go the rounds again.  He couldn't understand my aversion to a donor and I couldn't understand his aversion to adoption. I thought he was so wrong!

As we were driving home the other day from work we got into that same argument with the same results.  When we got home he went in the house and I stayed in the car to calm down.  I had a strong feeling that I needed to call my Mom.  At the time, I thought it was so that she could back up my worries and fears and tell me that Aaron was wrong.  Tell me I was right!  Oh how I was wrong.  I was so worried that by using a sperm donor just because it was easier and cheaper and a semi-instant result that I would be selfish to consider it.  I couldn't picture having a child with a sperm donor and then down the road doing in-vitro so that I could have a child that looks like Aaron.  It felt like I would be saying that the first kid wasn't enough.  And what if the sperm donor kid feels somehow like he's not as good as any other kids or feels that he/she isn't as much a part of the family as the other kids.  What ifs, and worry, and fear, and doubt.  That is all that filled my mind when I thought about using a sperm donor.  When I called Mom I thought she was going to validate my thoughts.  Tell me I had a right to worry and doubt.  Tell me that it was Aaron who was being selfish.  But instead she told me that no matter how I bring a child into our family, it's not selfish.  That any child will be Aaron's child.  That there are always worries and doubts when it comes to being a parent.  And then Dad got on the phone and told me to "Go get your baby!"  It doesn't matter how, just go get it.  Aaron and I were both promised to be parents in our patriarchal blessings and we need to do all in our power to do that.  Our family isn't complete until we do.  It was not the phone call I was expecting but it was the phone call I needed.  I'm not sure where or when I strayed from my original answer about using a sperm donor, but I think the Lord has been sitting back quietly waiting for me to remember that he had already given me my answer almost 4 years ago.  He had been oddly quiet on the matter over the last few years and I had almost decided to give up.  That it would be easier to just accept that we wouldn't have babies and move on with our lives.  But that's not why he was quiet.  He had already answered us, and he was waiting for us to remember that. 

When I went inside to talk to Aaron and tell him that I was thinking we should use a sperm donor, his eyes welled up with the most beautiful tears I've ever seen.  He's so ready and so excited to be a daddy.  And I'm so ready and so excited to be a mommy.  We're ready to be parents!  It was an easy decision after that and we are moving forward. 

This has been the most painful, emotional, heartbreaking 6 years I could imagine, but it's almost over.  I know that those worries and fears will still creep in if I let them but I am holding on to the answer I've been given.  This is right and I'm so excited.  We've set up our initial appointment for April 2nd, 2013 and they say that we could be good to go by my next ovulation.  That's in less than a month and a half!  I could be pregnant in a month and a half!!!  Please keep us in your prayers that everything will go well and work out for us while we try to bring home our baby.

So thankful, so humbled, so excited...and so surreal!

PS. If we did get pregnant during next month's ovulation, my due date would be around January 23rd, 2014.  Yes, I already checked!    :)

I have a confession to make...

...I use box cake mixes! 

Gasp!

The horror! 

Liar!!! ...Liiaarrrrr!!!  "Get back witch." "I'm not a witch I'm your wife!"  (10 points for whoever can name that movie.)  I hear this in my head every time I think about telling someone that the cake they are eating came from a box!  Not all of that, just the liar liar part.  But who am I kidding, if you start it you have to finish it.  "But after what you just said I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!"  (Seriously, 10 points...)

Anyway...back on topic.  Box mixes are where it's at for me.  I've tried the homemade from scratch recipes but they never come out right.  I follow the directions to a T, but they usually end up dry or really dense.  Don't get me wrong, I love a dense cake, but not when it won't even rise up to the edge of the cupcake liners.  So I've given up.  I'm done, finished, finito!  Maybe someday I'll be brave and try it again, but I just hate putting in all that time and work and ingredients into something just to have it fail.  Take for example my super dense non rising Triple Salted Caramel Cupcakes.



Horrible I tell you!


So what I do instead is doctor up the box mix a little.  I mean if I'm going to make cakes and hope people might want to buy them I can't just use a box mix and call myself legit. Speaking of, I did sell my first cake ever to my co-worker Nicole.  See look!  I was soooo excited! 



It was a vanilla ombre cake with lemon curd and raspberry fillings (alternated).
It got a little lopsided when she was driving it home.  :(

 

Anyway, typically I'll add an extra egg, throw in some sour cream, change out the water (from the box instructions) for milk or buttermilk.  Sometimes I'll even add in additional flour and sugar.  It's different every time but it changes it to taste more homemade.  It's my cheat!  :)

To my credit though, I ALWAYS make my own frostings, fillings and fondants, without fail.  You will never see me use store bought, from a tub frosting.  Not. Gonna. Happen.

So there it is.  Laid out on the table for all to judge.  Judge away.  Gasp away.  Call me a liar.  But you're going to be smiling when you get to eat one of my delicious, beautiful cakes.  You know you will!

Maliah's Birthday Cake 2011 and my first ever fondant cake.

Maliah's Birthday Cake 2012



Diane Wikse's Birthday Cake





Work Birthday Cupcakes




Work Birthday Cupcakes
(These ones are my all time favorite flavor.  Vanilla cupcakes with Blueberry buttercream and Lemon Curd filling.  YUMMMY!)



Jenny's Birthday Cake 2013

On disciplining the kids.

If we're friends on Facebook then you've already seen this.  But I had to add it to my blog as well.  As mad as it makes me, the picture is just to funny to ignore. 

While my dogs are normally oh so cute and oh so well behaved, sometimes they are little devils!  And lately, they might as well be possessed by old Beelzebub himself.  Terrors I tell you!

So my dang dogs have been acting up while Aaron and I are at work lately and they will take whatever they can find around the house into the backyard.  What?!  None of our disciplining seems to be helping the situation.  They act all demure and repentant while we are administering said discipline, but as soon as we are done they are as happy and excited as can be.  I think it's all an act!  When I got home from work today and saw that they did it AGAIN I had had it! They managed to get into our laundry room and spread clothes all around the house and into the back yard.  You see what I mean, Terrors!  So after the normal disciplining was over, I decided they needed a little bit more since the norm didn't seem to be working.  I made them lay and stay for about 5 minutes with the towel and shorts on their heads. (Those were the things they had taken outside.)  They were not fans.

Is that mean? I'm so over it! Hopefully this one will sink in. :)

Muahahaha! That will teach you to mess with my dirty laundry.

(P.S. It wasn't actually 5 minutes.  It was only about 2.  And they totally deserved it!!!)

Getting bikini ready...for winter...I know...

Alright, this little mama (or non-mama as it were) needs to get her butt in gear. 

I look down while going to the bathroom and my little fat padded stomach is starting to sit on my legs!  WHAT?!?!  I didn't even know that was possible!  And no I do not think I'm fat.  However, I'm definitely not skinny and fit anymore.  What happened?  It's not like I went and had a bunch of babies or found a new love of McDonalds eew.  I have no excuse! 

So, I've decided I'm back at it.  Granted, I've been at this same place a lot over the last year and a half, but I'm ready! 

Here's the plan:

1.  Running.  I love it. I hate it.  I love it when I'm in shape and my hips don't hate me.  I hate it when I'm just starting out and I can't even run a mile.  Pathetic!  But I'm going to start slow...really slow...and see how I do. Also, Tank is really fat and needs some exercise badly!  :)

2. P90X.  (Or Insanity if I can talk Aaron into letting me buy it!)  I need something that will tone and stretch and strengthen on my off days of running. 

3.  Don't quit Tyann.  Please don't quit! 

Here's some motivation for ya...





Happy Workout!

Triple Salted Caramel Cupcakes

YUM!!! 

Every second Friday of each month at work we get together to celebrate the birthdays of that month with delicious cakes/cupcakes/pies etc. 

This month is MY birthday!

(and Nicole Cantrill's but lets be honest, I'm mostly excited about mine!)

I made these salted caramel cupcakes a couple months ago and they were a hit.  When I asked Nicole what kind of cupcakes she wanted she requested these without hesitation!

So, after staying up far too late last night to get these done, here is the finished product. 

Homemade caramel cupcakes with homemade salted caramel filling and homemade salted caramel buttercream drizzled with homemade salted caramel sauce and sprinkled with a touch of sea salt at the end. 

(Now do you see why they took so long to make?! And no, they are not too salty even a little bit.  They are just perfect!) 

--On a side note, the flavor of these cupcakes is divine.  However, they are extremely dense and don't raise up well in the oven.  Once I find a way to remedy that these will probably be my favorite cupcakes!!!--